Tried To Jump Off

shalom1978@hotmail.com — Sun, 18 May 2008 19:08:31 GMT

So this is my first blog entry. I've been addicted to alcohol, benzos and painkillers. I've decreased my use of the pills and the alcohol I hadn't touched in 2 months. But this week has been rough. I'm turning 30 next week and it is really bothering me. I haven't accomplished what I wanted to have accomplished by 30....and also this is the month that I had a misscarriage (ectopic pregnancy) about 3 years ago...and my friends birthday that got killed a couple of months ago....anyway....

I wanted to drink so bad....but I kept keeping myself from it. So then last night I said forget the fight forget everything just for tonight I'm going to drink until I pass out...

So I go buy me something cheap.....canadian mist.....my preferences have always been tequila or whiskey....i never had a problem with them.

Well a few shots and I felt like I was on fire. My face and neck flushed really bad. I was afraid my whole body was going to turn red....I was like...what the heck! ? Am I allergic now or did I drink it too fast, on an empty stomach...my face would turn a little red just sometimes when I would drink before... well it scared me enough that i didn't drink anymore...and i told myself i'd pour it out this morning...but crazy as it seems i haven't thrown it away yet....in the back of my mind i'm thinking...well i payed for it i need to drink the whole thing...i just did it on an empty stomach and thats why that happened...but fear is preventing me still....maybe it is God trying to keep me from it....I just want to cry and scream....

I even tried to get me some oxy's and suddenly I can't find anyone with some...when I don't want them people try to give them to me....i had some xanax come to me in the mail once....and i didn't pay for them...crazy...

Somehow I will get through this and not touch these things I'm addicted to.

Perseverance

Tried To Jump Off