The fall and rise of a bullish man

robert_vincenc@yahoo.com — Tue, 18 Dec 2007 17:59:23 GMT

I believe I stopped growing at the age of 16. This is where I first chose to escape reality. It was a worderful experience and I thought I had found my salvation in Marijuana. When I found out there were other forms of escape (drugs), it didn't take me long to experience other ways to alter my mind. Speed, LSD, alcohol, mushrooms,peyote, hash and a few others which make themselves known later on in my life. Ofcourse, I had friends who took the journeys right along with me and therefore we created a common bond--to get HIGH! After some years, we all went our own ways and I was left with wanting to continue the journey(s). I finally decided to join the Marine Corp to get away from it all. You see, they had urine anaysis in the Corp so, I figured that would be enough for me to stop using. I wanted to stop and I was doing well until I found the same kind of friends I had back home. I mostly drank and took acid. You can't detect LSD in your urine so......you know the rest. From there on I reintroduced Marijuana in the scenario and got busted on a piss drop and got kick out of the Corp with an Other Than Honerable discharge. I think it might be safe to say that during the time in the Marine Corp I married what I thought was a woman. You may ask, How didn't you know? We never had sex until we got married. I finally got to see what I married and was told she had a sex change because a man she loved who she didn't know that he was married took her virginity. To spite what he had done she changed herself. The next man that loved her for who she is would be the one who she would change back for. Well, I took that hook line and sinker. Naive little fool I was but I did love her. I say her because that is how I saw her despite her having a dick. What a confusing moment for me. You see, I had 2 brothers who were gay. One was a full blown homosexual and the other was bi. I myself had always loved women and still do and will always love women until the day I die. So, when this dilema hit me square in the face I questioned my own sexuality. I told my so-called wife that I don't want to see that apendage anymore and we need to get you changed back. Well, she kept putting it off and I began to think that she was actually a man and I found out that she was. I was pissed off to say the least. I kicked the shit out of that mother fucker,packed my bags and came back to St.Louis. With that issue at hand, I instantly became a man whore. Meaning, I was sleeping with all different kinds of REAL women. What beautiful creatures they are!! Thank you God for blessing us with such a blessing!! I couldn't tell my family about my so-called wife or else I would have been banished from the family like my other brothers were, so I kept the SECRET for quite sometime. To this day I still haven't gotten a divorce because the embarassment would kill me. But, I will make a firm effort one day. I promise! So, kicked out of the Marines, married a guy, and I'm back in St. Louis. This is when I was introduced to my best friend at the time---COCAINE. I snorted it at first, then I found out you could smoke it and then from there on my addiction flurished. I met several women along the way. A few that I loved deeply but, somehow I would fuck up the relationship and they would leave. I thought something was wrong with me. I thought maybe I was gay. No, its not that. I couldn't face what had happened to me out in California and I was medicating and fucking everything just to repress what I had been through. I didn't know how to cope with that situation. I had no one to talk to who would understand or for that fact anyone who could help me. I'm still haunted by the whole situation and I dare not take on a relationship with a woman right now in fear that she will find out or if I tell her she will reject me. Please help me God!! I am so lost. So, here it is 21yrs. later--I'm sober to say the least or that's the most of it. Crack cocaine didn't solve any of my problems. It just put them on hold and now I have to deal and cope with the mess I and some others have made in my life.I am alot more content withmy life right now. I have 3 1/2 yrs. sober ,a good job with benefits and one sober friend in my life that I talk to on a regular basis. I have a son that I can't see due to his mothers inability to reconcile the differences that we have. I still feel a void in my life due to the fact that I chose not to share it with someone special. I have some happiness in my life but, it's not enough. It's enough to keep me sober but, the quality of this happiness is not enough to sustain a healthy life which I and every human desires most. I know my day will come. I just want, what I want and I want it now! I deserve it. I've paid my penance and then some. I hope that your journey through life is an enjoyable one and all the blessings that you hope for are fulfilled!

MINOTAUR'S story

The fall and rise of a bullish man