1. My relationships often involve people who need my help or are somehow  dependent on me.
2. When I feel I've helped someone, I experience a "high" a sense of success. 3. It is important to be needed.
4. I often find myself "in the middle," giving advise, counseling others.
5. On several occasions people have become angry when I have tried to help.

6. I seem to know when bad things are about to occur.
7. I spend a lot of time thinking through or replaying scenes, trying to figure out
what I can do to effect desired outcomes.
8. I seem to have difficulty starting and maintaining healthy relationships.
9. It's difficult for me to receive praise or care from others.
10. I do not like to let myself get angry. When I do, I often lose control.

11. It's difficult for me to say "No."
12. It's difficult for me to ask for things that I need. (Work, home, family.)
13. I often over commit my time or over promise myself.
14. It is hard for me to act silly, have fun or relax.
15. If I'm not productive, I feel worthless.

16. It's difficult to believe that someone could truly love me.
17. I am afraid of really allowing myself to love.
18. I am afraid of being abandoned or being alone.
19. Sometimes I think I expect to be hurt.
20. I find it easy to criticize and blame others.

21. I seem to justify or make excuses for others actions when they have hurt me.
22. When I know a relationship is about to end, I will stay in it. I will stay until I can begin another dependent relationship.
23. It is easy to make me feel guilty and accept blame. I will take responsibility for others. Somehow things end up being my fault.
24. I am not sure what normal is.
25. I often take a stand in a relationship and then go back on what I said I would do. It seems as though I get sucked in again and again.

26. My circle of friends seems to have diminished.
27. I am not aware of what I want. I ask others what they want.
28. I tend to be sick a lot. I can't seem to fight off infection.
29. There never seems to be enough time to do things just for me; things I would enjoy doing.

If you have Answered "Yes" to 3 or more of these statements, you probably have a problem with codependency

Hi Bettyanne fm another "screaming" Codependant. I have been clean and sober since July 20,1999. My Codependency is just as deadly as my addiction. For me I can get myself into relationships where I 'give myself to death'..so far I have managed to live, however twice now in my life, I have come close to not making it. I considered a more permanent solution than drinking or using..But this codependency can DEFINATELY put our Sobriety at RISK!     

I would recommend reading Melodie Beatty's Codependant No More, and I also use her Daily Meditaion Book - The Language of Letting Go..This book taught me so much. When I first read the characteristics of codependency I burst into tears..."I thought that was LOVE" I had a lot to learn !! And a lot ot unlearn..There is a 12 Step program called Codependants Anonymous that if worked seriously can really help. I made the mistake of stopping the program/meetings when I thought I was 'cured' and felt that my longer term sobriety heavy involvement in AA was enough..It wasn't..I repeated the pattern and need to start again from square one. For me - I KNOW that I will have to address this issue as seriously as I do my other addictions..Fortunately where I live - there are some good strong woman's meetings for support..as well as some mixed meetings..I however prefer the woman's meetings.....I hope this (my experience) helps. God Bless & Lots of prayers your way !! Janni

AWWWW ty for sharing each of you! And I too am a codo.

I would like to touch on what has been said here. I just LOVE what vkathy wrote "Don't try to make sense out of nonsense. If it doesn't make sense, it doesn't make sense", WOW WHAT A LIGHT BULB moment for me....hugs........

We do not have codo mtgs here that I am aware of, in my hometown, nor do we have ACOA, cuz I know I qualify for both. For right now, I am working on my steps of AA, and incorporating them into my life, to the best of my ablility.

For me, knowing I do have other issues, I want to work on them too, the reality is i have to remind me to SLOW down carrie, one thing at a time! LOL, cuz I"m like a puppy and wanting to get it all NOW, rofl......I am thankful for the meetings here, and vkath, I enjoy your shares, let her rip, we love ya girl!

HUGS and stuff

"if you answered yes to three or more ... you may have a problem with codepency".  Is that a typo?  Did they mean 23?  Doesn't matter, apparently I would fail anyway .  Craaaaaaap.  Guess I'll do some reading.  Thanks everyone for your thoughts.

Hey Curt and Ringo,,,,,,,,,,, suck it up,,, it IS 3 or more so there!!!!

 Rebelling.  Looking for others to join my revolution.  3 or more of 29 puts just about everyone on earth into being CoDependant.  Even my dogs identify with the list.  How can any human... or dogs, be none CoDependant. 

I say we stand up and rebell.  March into R.R. and demand that we have a fighting chance to stop this CoDependant  rule of "3 or more".  We have enough things to work on without having to worry about another.... ah... ah.... 6? (telling fib) 

Who will join me in fighting "The Lady In Red" with her "suck it up" agenda? 

Like I'm askeered of you Ringo. I didn't write the dang thing........ I was just re-enforcing what it says. lol

Wow !! This chit is scary. I had no Idea. I have never even looked at this until I saw familiar people were all of a sudden posting on it. I know I'm an alcoholic, but if you only have to answer yes to 3 of these...

Now what do you do? I guess I'm gonna have to look closer at this.

There is a great book called Co-Dependency No More by Melody Beattie.  She also writes the meditation book Language of Letting Go.

I had a therapist for the first year of recovery while in Outpatient. We met weekly for that year. Our first session she talked to me and next thing you know she whipped our HER copy of that book and gave it to me. lol  We worked on those co-dependency issues for that year.

Codependency is a serious illness, just like addiction.  Here is a little bit of info I gathered for a group I do at work:

Co-Dependency

Definition:

• Learned behavhior by watching and imitating other family members.
• Emotional and behavioral condition affecting a person’s ability to have a healthy, mutally satisfying relationship.
• Also known as “relationship addiction”: people with co-dependency often maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive.

Characteristics:

• An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others.
• A tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to “love” people they can pity and rescue.
• A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time.
• A tendency to become hurt when people don’t recognize their efforts.
• An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment.
• An extreme need for approval and recognition.
• A sense of guilt when asserting themselves.
• A compelling need to control others.
• Lack of trust in self and/or others.
• Fear of being abandoned or alone.
• Difficulty identifying feelings.
• Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change.
• Problems with intimacy/boundaries.
• Chronic anger.
• Lying/dishonesty.
• Poor communications
• Difficulty making decisions.

Knowledge is a powerful tool-- it gives us hope!

Suggested Reading:

Co-Dependent No More by Melody Beattie

Patterns and Characteristics of Codependence

These patterns and characteristics are offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation. They may be particularly helpful to newcomers.

Denial Patterns:
I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.
I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others.

Low Self Esteem Patterns:
I have difficulty making decisions.
I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never "good enough."
I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts.
I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.
I value others' approval of my thinking, feelings and behavior over my own.
I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.

Compliance Patterns:
I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger.
I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.
I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
I value others' opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.
I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.
I accept sex when I want love.

Control Patterns:
I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
I attempt to convince others of what they "should" think and how they "truly" feel.
I become resentful when others will not let me help them.
I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.
I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.
I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.
I have to be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others.

(C0-Dependents Anonymous http://www.codependents.org/patterns.php)

Thanks Kathy. I'm gonna check it out.

Wow -

Like we don´t have enough on our plates already.

I´m with you Larry, just finally admitted that I´m an alcoholic and now I have to ponder and work on other stuff.........

So much to do, so little time.

Better quit typing and go back to reading!

See Ringo,

That's why we love dogs - they're ALLOWED to be co-dependent - in fact, what the heck good is a non-codependent dog?  In fact, come to think of it, I shoulda been a dog.  Any of you ladies out there want a puppy?

Me too, thanks Kathy.  Turns out there are some CoDA meetings around here - guess I should check one out.  Sounds exciting, sigh - right up there with those fun filled ACoA meetings, I suppose.

I don't know what you guys are whining about -- out of 29 questions, I answered yes to 30!!!!!

Progress, not perfection.