Today a friend of mine checked his e-mail , a letter was marked as high importance. It was from his daughter who he had not heard from in a few years. In the Subject box was written, INMATE . His daughter has been in custody since April 2006 for bank robbery and fraud.
He told me he felt a lump form in his throat. He dreaded reading the e-mail, and went about opening the other mail and made himself busy around the house focusing on chores , all the while feeling the tug of of his precious little girl. The longer he avoided reading her words, the more anxious he felt and the more consumed he was with the sadness he felt for her.
He said he unplugged the telephone, went into his bedroom, and closed and locked the door. Booted up his laptop and once again opened the e-mail. Flashes of his daughter at different stages of her life filled his mind. He wished so much he could go back and change things.
He knows, and has known for years, that his daughter's issues are not his to make right. She has her journey and her own missions to fulfill. He has been to parents groups, Al-Anon, personal recovery, family counseling, and so on for more than 20 years. No matter what he does for himself, he knows he cannot make her life better.
In the beginning, if someone had asked him to die in order to save his daughter from addiction, he would have agreed to. Now, 20 years later, it is apparent to him that this would not have been the answer. His love for her has been part of the problem. The tears he crys do not change the direction of her life. Instead, he became depressed, devastated and unable to parent his other children.
Everything has been about her: saving her, nurturing her, paying her bills, setting her up in a different house or apartment, buying her a car, paying her fines, taking care of her children, paying her dental and medical bills, getting her needs met, and handling her life for her. He and his wife were doing the same thing over and over again.
Failed attempts
His daughter has been in the worst and the best detoxification and chemical dependency programs, both medical and social models. Somehow, some way, she contacts her friends on the outside and they pick her up and she is off and running again. When given the chance, she runs like a caged animal from her captors, in fear of harm. Months go by before he hear from her again.
When he reaches the point of accepting that she has been killed or kidnapped
she surfaces, broken and physically exhausted, willing to do anything if he will just help her this one last time. She swears she has learned her lesson and just needs her parents and family to love her and protect her from a new group of horrible people who are threatening her. "They did it to me," she says.
For more than 20 years my friend has been lost in the realm of his daughter's potential for recovery, taking her from one therapist or doctor to another but finding no answers. No person, therapy, pill, or place could help his daughter.
I am still not sure if she is mentally ill or a drug-addicted criminal, or both.
One doctor diagnosed her with borderline personality and bipolar disorder. Her refusal to take medication to help with mood swings makes things worse. Her family are subjected to threats of suicide or homicide, raging and violence, stealing of their money, jewelry, and anything of value, or not of value.
His once beautiful daughter has become a predator--a homeless, begging, thieving, scary person. What in the world happened? Is it genetic? I know that professionals and scientists have disagreed over the topic.
My friend, he is an alcoholic in recovery. His father and his father were alcoholics. His mother's father was an alcoholic and a gambler. Some of his siblings have addiction issues. Most of his father's 10 siblings are alcoholics, and most of his family members deal with behavioral disorders to some degree.
Are we born with it? Did his child receive a genetic disposition to become an addict ? Has her life been a product of genetics and the environment? Is there hope? These questions go through my mind daily.
Most of the time my friend does fairly well. He gets up, does his personal recovery rituals, goes to work, takes care of his daily affairs, and greets people with enthusiasm. Then there are days when he cannot talk to anyone. He cannot feel anything but this deep sadness that owns his soul. He cannot help his child. He cannot.
I heard a story at an AA meeting one day. It was from an article in a recovery magazine about an alcoholic. I will try to repeat the story as best as I can recall:
A man fell into a deep, dark hole and couldn't get out. His wife
said she would get him out no matter what it took, so she loved
him with all of her heart and soul, but he still couldn't get out.
She told him not to worry and that she would pray for him and God
would get him out of the deep, dark hole. But even prayer was not
enough; he still could not get out. She brought faith healers and rich
relatives and borrowed money and sold her belongings. But everything
she could think of failed; he still could not get out of that deep,
dark hole.
Then one day when all appeared lost, two men came by and observed
the problem. They jumped into the deep, dark hole with him. The man
said, "What are you doing? I did not ask for your help." The
men smiled and said, "We have been here before, and we know the way
out. It is only 12 short steps that you need to take. Come, follow
us." Not sure if he should trust them or not, he looked to his wife,
who encouraged and almost begged him to give it a try. So he did
follow the men and they were right. Twelve short steps and he was out
of that deep, dark hole.
Instead of being grateful, he told the men and his wife that
he didn't need anyone to tell him what to do or where to go, and he
was off and running again. Sure enough, he fell back into that same
deep, dark hole. Not only did those two men come to help, but a
whole roomful of people who had been there before in that deep, dark
hole came to help him and his wife, over and over again. He would get
out of the deep, dark hole and forget to be grateful and thankful,
falling back in until one day his body was too tired and too sick
from the battle of getting out of that deep, dark hole and he died......
My take on this story is that the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous and other 12 Step programs, works for those who are willing to allow others to show them the way out of that deep, dark hole of alcoholism and addiction. We can't love alcoholics/addicts enough. We can't pray them sober or buy them sobriety. We do our best, and the rest is up to them.
What remains is how important it is to take care of oneself. My friend is an alcoholic and the father of an alcoholic and the son of an alcoholic. His father died too soon from alcoholism, and his daughter is in prison from alcohol-related criminal behavior. Neither of them wanted sobriety, and he couldn't give it to them. His own sobriety did not change their lives. He did everything humanly possible, to no avail.
He does not regret any effort he made to save his father or his daughter. He had to learn his life's lessons and take his own journey to where he is today. My friend has more than 18 years of sobriety, and is educated in the addiction and human services fields. He is a practicing counselor in addiction treatment.
He has learned to apply the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions to his life, to practice rule 62 in the 4th Tradition (taking recovery seriously but not being so serious about himself) to the best of his ability in most situations, and to attend AL-Anon when he needs to.
I don't know why some of us want sobriety and others prefer to die. What I do know is that even though as a father, my friend, still crys for his child, his life is very good, and he tells me he owes that to the fellowship of AA.
He tells me he is still sad and he misses his father and his sweet daughter, but lives a good and whole life. He is surrounded with people who work on improving their lives and are of service to others in recovery from addiction. He is loved and treated well by most people.
Who could ask for more than that?
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