Where does it all begin? This addiction this alcoholism. For me it goes way back to my childhood. I grew up in a household with a distant father and a domineering mother that had difficulty raising five children. I have my brother David and three sisters. My Dad was a hard working man running a family owned business with his Dad a tradition that started with my Great Grand Father. I was the first born male of my generation and there seemed to be an expectation a weight given to this position. In fact as a teenager my Grandfather and Father would have talks with me about carrying the family legacy for my generation and the generation to come. I was to keep the family lineage going. The lesson I learned here was one of perfection and perfectionism. Now my Dad is also a minister a devoutly religious man who has spent over fifty years of his life in worship to his creator and in the ministry. He is and was a very public minister. So there was a great deal of pressure for us to be the perfect family. It was expected that I would carry on this tradition as well. So this brings us to my perception my thinking as a child. If I am perfect I will get love and acceptance. Attention. This goes back as far as five or six years old. So I thrust this burden on myself and off I went in search for love , acceptance , and attention.
All seemed well, in fact most of my childhood is a mix of distant memories. Some happy some sad. Some anxious some serene. As I approached my teens I started feeling an emptiness and stress.
Which is the real beginning of my story. I began to withdraw from the life that I knew and began a search to fill this void. At first I thought that girls would be an excellent choice. After all they looked good ,smelled good and tasted good. But no it wasn’t enough.
Enter alcohol into this mix and now your talking utopia. Now the void was filled. I was all powerful and free from the perceived burdens thrust upon me as a child. I had alcohol , girls and muscle cars I am on top of the world. The grandiosity of the adolescent addicted boy. That was me. It didn’t last long however.
One of these girls was one I met when we were Just children. She was beautiful and still is. She became my wife. She drank with me one time and only one time. It was Friday second week of our honey moon a gallon of 100 proof vodka and Hawaiian punch. We never woke up on Saturday in fact we didn’t get out of bed until five pm Sunday. She said “I will never drink with you again.” She came with baggage however. Her father an alcoholic. Guess that was no surprise. Part of her was hoping I could rescue her from his evil tyranny. Part was scared of my drinking. God bless this poor woman , because she entered the deep abyss with me. With her Dad as a mentor I learned how to drink into oblivion. And that I did. She tells me that one time her father and I drank into a blackout and I started telling him how evil he was so he threw an iron skillet at me. I never drank with him again. He died at sixty five from renal failure of his liver and kidneys. Complications of alcoholism. Never forget my wife turning to me at the funeral and saying “am I going to loose you the same way.”
My decent was quick and relentless. Socially I would drink and make an ass of myself. She would tell me how humiliated she was. So I drank alone and couldn’t stop until I passed out or blacked out. At twenty years old I new I couldn’t stop. I knew I was an alcoholic. I would try so hard to quit. Over the next seven years I tried maintenance drinking where I would only drink nine beers and go to bed this allowed me to go to work the next day. Never forget one day working with my dad wallpapering a bathroom for a customer. It’s the middle of summer and hot. Im sweating out the alcohol from the night before and was soaked from head to toe. My dad said I reeked of alcohol. I told him I might have had one to many.
I use to leave work and sit in my truck praying “god please stop me from going to the store on the way home” but it didn’t work. I would have three or four beers in me before I ever walked through the door. Kept a pint of bourbon under the seat. I would think to myself “when you get home ask Darlene to lock you in the bedroom and not let me out.”
There were times when I would hide bottles of bourbon all through the house. I had a wood shop in my basement and would hide my drinking down there. I isolated myself a lot. I did all the behaviors the big book talks about.
The bottom was this on December 12th 1983 I woke up in complete state of despair, every last bit of hope gone. Im a horrible Husband and provider a horrible father, son ,brother. In fact my brother and I had no relationship at all. My only contact for the couple of weeks with humans was calls from bill collectors. Griped with such fear I couldn’t even go outside to the mail box. That is how sick I became.
It was time to die. I figured I could drink myself to death. So I started that task bright and early. Drank all day until Darlene got home from work and Brian from school and I left went to a bar and drank all night long into a blackout. Got into a fight got my nose broke. Fought my way into my car and drove about a mile and went straight into a cornfield. I found out sometime later that the guys I was fighting with were just trying to keep me from driving cause I was so drunk. Im told I was arrested dwi. To this day I have little recollection of any of this.
Well I lived through my own death. This is the turning point in my life. I either get help or die cause I sure didn’t want to live like this any more. My dad had told me a while back that David was going to AA. I don’t know if I called him or he called me but the conversation went something like this. “ there is a meeting at the Henry street school I will be there” I walked in the door looking like a racoon with two big black eyes. Sat down and shortly there after a man tapped me on the shoulder and said “Hi Im Dave C it doesn’t look like you have been taking to good of care of your self” I replied “I have not” and I turned back around as the meeting started. Of course they made the topic the first step. All I really remember is everyone at the meeting said keep coming back .
So starts the process of recovery. Dave C walked with me in sobriety for the next eighteen months. He worked with me on health issues because I was very sick and detoxing. Had me get a physical. The doctor said you have alcoholic hepatitis. I literally shook with tremors for the first year. He helped me with the twelve steps. He became my friend. I hadn’t had one of those in a long time. We went on fishing trips together in the middle of nowhere. Play poker with friends. He taught me to have fun again. Without alcohol. He said the world is an open door to you as long as you don’t drink.
After eighteen months of sobriety I decided I was cured.
My wife and son were upset that I was gone all the time. My parents and wife would say “well your not like David” so I heard that enough that I started believing it You know Im not that bad an alcoholic. Now David he is an alcoholic. This is the most important part of my story. Because that was my disease talking. That is my sickness. You see I have a sickness that tells my brain that I don’t have it. So I now have no program of recovery.
I didn’t want to drink so I decided to take the religious route to sobriety. That worked until August of 1986. I had a day of stress and just felt burned out. Went for a drive stopped at the store and bought one beer. Sat in the car and popped the top swallowed and two things happened. The first was that undescribable rush that I had the first time I ever drank. And the second was an incredible fear. I said out loud “you are in big trouble now.” It was as if I could feel the physical compulsion and the mental obsession overtake me. I was scared to death. What have I done?
My bottom came very quickly there after. On Oct. 6th 1986 I was in a bar drinking to blackout. Tried to drive home, passed out took out a light pole with my wifes car no less. I woke up pulling my head and shoulders back through the wind shield. It blacked out the neighborhood. And I took off running hiding in the woods. I mean this one was a felony. I had my parents pick me up the next morning and take me home. My wife said the police were looking for me so I slept and waited for them to find me. I pleaded the fifth so they couldn’t charge me. On Oct.8th I called Dave C and said “I have relapsed I need help” he said come on over.
So I find my self at October 8th, 1986 in the same shape as December 12th 1983.
Hung over,my life a shambles and scared as hell. This time I did not want to die. I want to live and be happy and free from this sickness that controls my life.
I meet with Dave C and we talk about what I need to do to get well. Dave says he has never been one for the treatment option as he is a straight southern AAer. But maybe I should get an evaluation. In my eval I beg for help. We set up my program for the next month.
Outpatient treatment 5 evenings a week. AA 3 meetings a week. Get a sponsor and a Home group reread the Big Book.
Phase 1 outpatient treatment went like this. 6:15 we have a large group session. We either watch a short film or listen to a speaker on a given topic for 15 minutes. Then we have an open discussion on the topic. I was like a sponge,just absorbing it all. At 7pm we break off into our small groups with a counselor. Now this was intense. We all faced each other in a small circle and talked about anything and everything. The counselor would take notes on each of us. And she would chime in once in a while with the words "How did that make you feel." or "Explain further." We worked the first 4 steps in phase 1. My counselor asked if she could read my 4th step to evaluate if I should go into a phase 2 group or individual therapy. And after a month of Daily treatment,I graduated. Thank You Maggie.
It was decided that individual therapy was the next step. My first counselor was a female and now my phase 2 counselor was also female. Her name was Gwen. I thought this to be strange,but soon learned why God put me on this path. There were things in my 4th step that made this the appropriate decision.
Gwen and I spent 3 evenings a week together. She was able to do the one thing that no one had ever done before. Penetrate the brick wall I called Fort Alan. No one had ever been allowed to enter my private world of thoughts hopes and dreams before. I was comfortable with Gwen. She wasn't in recovery herself and she had a degree in Phychiatry. I liked the fact that she was a professional and was so personable. Our sessions were to last an hour but more times than not it was 2 hours. I did my 5th step with Gwen. I poured my heart out and she some how made sense of my mess. She helped me with so many issues pertaining to women,you would not believe the wealth of knowledge and understanding she brought into my life. We covered my depression and shame based living, my inner child. Soon I was clear from the wreckage and could see real soboriety in my future.
After 6 months in thearpy with Gwen it was time to move into the real world. I came into thearpy one day and Gwen said, "I have news for you. Today will be our last session together and I want to thank you for enriching my life. You have taught me many things and I Thank You for the Thearpy. You see,I have taught you about women and you have taught me about men." And tears began to flow from her eyes. I began to weep. She says,"Alan,I am an adult child of an alcoholic. And you have brought forgivness and understanding into my life. Your kindness and gentle spirit I shall never forget." Now I have completely lost all control at this point and am weeping like a child. I guess it was the little boy inside me that Gwen had grown so fond of. We had talked about him often and she had encouraged me to nurture the little guy. And I have done so for almost 24 years now. We finished each session with a hug but this one was special. We both wispered into each others ear. "You are safe now." All I can say is God bless that women. We have become very good friends over the years. She helped me start the first ACOA meeting in my home town. Bless you Gwen and Thank You
So out patient treatment and individual therapy really were and are the corner stone of my recovery. You now might be thinking, Al what about AA and the BB you know the Steps and Traditions? My thoughts some 23 years and 46 weeks later are this.
I don't believe I would have been able to have AA work its magic on me if I didn't get into treatment first and then therapy. I was a sick puppy, I mean in the head and needed to clear my brain and heart of the evil within for AA to work.
Well as I mentioned I was allowed 3 AA meetings a week when in treatment and no more.There was a reason for that. When I first came upon AA in 1983 it became a place for me to hide from life and the real world. I was going to AA meetings twice a day back then. Mostly to excape from the responsibilities of Husband/father/work and anything thing else I didn't want to do. I made AA my addiction. And I know some will say thats ok. But it wasn't ok for me. I wanted more out of life.
My sponsor said "Try my home group,you will love it." And I did. What a fantastic group, very diverse as well. We had it all young/old/straight/gay/white/black/hispanic and american Indian/male/female. From all social and economic classes all recovering together with a sameness of purpose. To get sober and carry the message. We were a very close knit group and after the meeting many times the core of our group would sit down in a group sponsor session. Thats how we got sober. One by one we would leave that nest and venture out on our own to discover new and exciting things. After 5 years with that group, I was sitting at the meeting one night and noticed I was the last of our original group and it was time for me to leave the group and move on to new experiences in soboriety. The group was in good hands and still exists today.
There was some seperation anxiety when I left. It was my comfort for so long. But there was a longing for something more,an empty spot in my being that needed help. One night I woke from a dream and thus had a second awakening. The dream,well it was of my Grandfather who I worshiped. I was 16 and we were in the storage shed out back of my grandparents when he handed me a beer. I drank 1 to his 5. He would open his throat and let the beer flow down without ever swallowing. It was both amazing and scarey at the same time. I called Gwen that day and told her I would like to explore ACOA and she got me started. After questioning my parents and anyone else in my family that would tell the family secrets (it was like playing tug a war with an elephant) I learned I come from a long line of alcoholics. My uncle commited suicide while drunk. Interesting how I tried the same path.
I started an ACOA meeting in my home town and was amazed to see so many from the rooms of AA joined me in this new journey. We struggled with the ACOA traditions some,being different from AA. But we got through it and we all found a new freedom through ACOA. The empty spot in our beings now filled with a new awareness of ourselves. And that second awakening fortified of our sobriety.
Now my son bacomes a teenager and sure enough he starts useing and abusing both drugs and alcohol. So into treatment he goes and yes I now become a codependent. LOL! Off to Alanon. Have to be honest here,Alanon wasn't easy. Had to find a group living in the solution and it seemed many were stuck in their codependency. My son is now 34 and made a choice to leave the drugs a long time ago and settle for alcohol. We have no meanful relationship as he doesn't live in the real world and I choose to.
Where am I today? Who am I today? And how do I feel about the future?
I am in a good place today. I feel a sense of peace as never before. A contentment and exceptance of the past and present. Most days I feel recovered. Some days I need help. But most of all I have been freed from the bondage of alcoholic obsession. I generally wake each day with a zeal for life and rarely do I wake with the thought I am an Alcoholic. I have become a Human, no different,no better and no worse than anyone else in this world.
I am the Husband to a lovely bride for 35 years.(god bless her) I am a Father. I am a grandfather of the most wonderful little boy I have ever seen. I took early retirement to raise him during the day while his parents worked. He is now 7 and we are best buddies. I am a fatherinlaw to a wonderful and lovely Thai daughterinlaw. Who has enlightened me to her Buddhist tradition and is interested in my Christian tradition. I am a son to ageing parents who are greatful to have me clean and sober. I am a brother to 3 sisters and 1 brother who is now 7 years sober.
I am an AA member and active home group member. I try to hit my home group once a week and speak if invited to other meeting. Much of my service work today consists of Mentoring Teens with Addictions and I volunteer as much as 30 hours a week at a treatment facility here in town. Most of all I am a contributor and an asset to my community. Thats all I ever wanted to be.
What does the future hold? I look foward to each and every new adventure,good/bad and indifferent. I will take pride in my soboriety and wear it as a badge of honer the rest of my days. I promise to lead a full and balanced life. TY God for this gift.
Thank You for reading, Your friend in Recovery, Al  |