As I was having my morning cup of coffee today, I began thinking about things that have transpired in my life since Chris' Intervention and how drastically things have changed for me-both physically and emotionally.  These were my thoughts...My Co-Dependency Issues and how they continued to spiral out of control just as Chris' alcoholism was...

I was an enabler.  A person who by their actions make it easier for an addict to continue their self-destructive behavior by criticizing or rescuing. The term codependency refers to a relationship where one or both parties enable the other to act in certain maladaptive ways. Many times, the act of the enabler satisfies a need for the codependent person because his or her actions foster a need from the other person or persons in the relationship.  To enable the individual with the addiction, the mutually dependent person makes excuses and lies for the addict, which enables the addiction to continue. Codependency is reinforced by a person’s need to be needed. The enabler thinks unreasonably by believing he can maintain healthy relationships through manipulation and control. He believes he can do this by avoiding conflict and nurturing dependency. Is it normal for someone to think that he can maintain a healthy relationship when he does not address problems and he lies to protect others from their responsibilities? The way a codependent person can continue to foster this dependency from others is by controlling situations and the people around them. The ongoing matter in a codependent home, are to avoid conflicts and problems and to make excuses for destructive or hurtful behavior.  Why does enabling cause so much hurt in a relationship? The power afforded to the mutually dependent person in a relationship support his need for control even if he uses inappropriate means to fulfill his need to be in control. A second and overlooked reason, centers on the contradictory messages and unclear expectations presented by someone who is codependent. These characteristics give to a relationship filled with irrational thoughts and behavior. This kind of relationship has no clear rules to right and wrong behavior. The person(s) unhealthy patterns you enable may be doing one or more of these behaviors.(1) Drinking too much (2) Spending too much (3) Overdrawing their bank account/bouncing checks (4) Gambling too much (5) In trouble with loan sharks/check cashing agencies (6) Working too much/not enough (7) Maxing out the credit cards (8) Abusing drugs (prescription or street drugs) (9) Getting arrested (you are bailing him/her out) (10Any of a number of other unhealthy behaviors/patterns of addiction. 

Any time you assist/allow another person to continue in their unproductive/unhealthy/addictive behavior, whether actively or passively, you are enabling. Even when you say nothing you are enabling the behavior to continue. Sometimes you say nothing out of fear, fear of reprisal, fear of the other person hurting, hating, not liking you; or fear of butting in where you don’t think you belong. Perhaps even fear of being hit or worse.  Sometimes enabling takes the form of doing something for another that they should do for themselves. It also takes the form of making excuses for someone else’s behavior (example), There are situations where the spouse of an alcoholic will call in to the boss to say that person is “sick”, when they are really too hung over they can’t make it to work.  You more than likely enable out of your own low self-esteem. You haven’t gained the ability to say no, without fear of losing the love or caring of that other person. People who learn tough love have to learn that their former behaviors have been enabling and that to continue in them would represent allowing the other person’s pattern of behavior to continue and to worsen.  It is difficult to stop enabling if you’re trying to do it with all authority. And it’s not easy until you know you deserve to stop. Until you know that you are endearing regardless of what the person you’ve previously enabled says to the contrary until you raise your own self-esteem enough to be that strong. You may think it’s the other person who needs all of the help, in truth, you both do.  I had to learn this the hard way.

One of the biggest problems with relationships in this society is that the context we approach them from is too small. We were taught that getting the relationship is the goal.  It starts in early childhood with Fairy Tales where the Prince and the Princess live happily-ever-after.  It continues in movies and books where "boy meets girl" "boy loses girl" "boy gets girl back" - the music swells and the happy couple ride off into the sunset.  The songs that say "I can't smile without you"  "I can't live without you"  "You are my everything" describe the type of love we learned about growing up - toxic love - an addiction with the other person as our drug of choice, as our Higher Power.  Any time we set another human being up to be our Higher Power we are going to experience failure in whatever we are trying to accomplish.  We will end up feeling victimized by the other person or by our self - and even when we feel victimized by the other person we blame our self for the choices we made.  We are set up to fail to get our needs met in Romantic Relationships because of the belief system we were taught in childhood and the messages we got from our society growing up. There is no goal to reach that will bring us to happily-ever after.  We are not incomplete until we find out soul mate.  We are not halves that cannot be whole without a relationship.

True Love is not a painful obsession. It is not taking a hostage or being a hostage. It is not  all-consuming, isolating, or constricting. Believing we can't be whole or happy without a relationship is unhealthy and leads us to accept deprivation and abuse, and to engage in manipulation, dishonesty, and power struggles.  The type of love we learned about growing up is an addiction, a form of toxic love.

Here is a short list of the characteristics of Love vs. toxic love (compiled with the help of the work of Melody Beattie & Terence Gorski.) 

2. Love - Room to grow, expand; desire for other to grow.
Toxic love - Security, comfort in sameness; intensity of need seen as proof of love (may really be fear, insecurity, loneliness)

3. Love - Separate interests; other friends; maintain other meaningful relationships.
Toxic love - Total involvement; limited social life; neglect old friends, interests.

4. Love - Encouragement of each others expanding; secure in own worth. 
Toxic love - Preoccupation with others behavior; fear of other changing.

5. Love - Appropriate Trust (i.e. trusting partner to behave according to fundamental nature.) 
Toxic love - Jealousy; possessiveness; fear of competition; protects "supply."

6. Love - Compromise, negotiation or taking turns at leading. Problem solving together.
Toxic love - Power plays for control; blaming; passive or aggressive manipulation.

7. Love - Embracing of each others individuality. 
Toxic love - Trying to change other to own image.

8. Love - Relationship deals with all aspects of reality. 
Toxic love - Relationship is based on delusion and avoidance of the unpleasant.

9. Love - Self-care by both partners; emotional state not dependent on others mood. 
Toxic love - Expectation that one partner will fix and rescue the other.

10. Love - Loving detachment (healthy concern about partner, while letting go.)
Toxic love - Fusion (being obsessed with each others problems and feelings.)

11. Love - Sex is free choice growing out of caring & friendship. 
 Toxic love - Pressure around sex due to insecurity, fear & need for immediate gratification.

12. Love - Ability to enjoy being alone. 
Toxic love - Unable to endure separation; clinging.

13. Love - Cycle of comfort and contentment.
Toxic love - Cycle of pain and despair.

Love is not supposed to be painful. There is pain involved in any relationship but if it is painful most of the time then something is not working.  There is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship - it is natural and healthy.  There is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship that will last forever - expecting it to last forever is what is dysfunctional.  Expectations set us up to be a victim - and cause to abandon ourselves in search of our goal.  If we can start seeing relationships not as the goal but as opportunities for growth then we can start having more functional relationships. A relationship that ends is not a failure or a punishment - it is a lesson.  As long as our definition of a successful relationship is one that lasts forever - we are set up to fail. As long as we believe that we have to have the other in our life to be happy, we are really just an addict trying to protect our supply - using another person as our drug of choice.  That is not True Love - nor is it Loving. 

Love and Hugs to all of you...There is hope for us!

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