Is it healthy for people to be quick to forgive?
Forgiveness, in my book, is one of the most overused concepts in dealing with so-called "wrongdoers" or folks who perpetrate outright evil. It depowers the innocent and empowers the not-so-innocent.
The basic premise of "forgiveness" is always explained by those in recovery as a means of "letting go" of the pain and rage so that one can have a serene, clean sober life.
Well, my friends, I have a real problem playing with fire just because it makes one "feel better."
Forgiveness is defined first as "absolving" or "granting pardon" for an offense. When one pardons another, he or she basically releases them from obligation or penalty. When one absolves another, he or she frees the other from guilt or blame or responsibility or consequences.
When someone commits an illegal act involving you – battery, abuse – it is not an offense solely involving you, it is an offense against society and the civil and moral rules which govern it. Does this warrant forgiveness or reporting to the police?
Look at it this way, if the person has to deal with the righteous consequences of their actions, they have the opportunity to cleanse their soul, and psyche, and lives from self-centered, thoughtless or immoral tendencies.
Far too often perpetrators never take responsibility, never display remorse, never try to repair the damage and never give the impression that their behavior wouldn't be repeated.
Nonetheless, the victim is often nagged to "forgive". How is that healing?
Does that not trivialize the hurt the victim is feeling? People are often urged to forgive the unforgivable in the name of "peace" or "letting go of ugly emotions."
The lack of true remorse beg for no forgiveness.
Telling some one to forgive is a further insult to the victim. Those who are hurt are entitled to their feelings and can only gain strength from standing up to blase attitudes about evil-doers.
What too many people aren't told by the "therapists", "clergy," and some "12 Steppers" who urge "knee-jerk" forgiveness, is that not holding people accountable, not telling and showing them that their actions have severe consequences, will likely make you feel less important and make your pain feel inconsequential.
Yes, there are things that are unforgivable. Don't let folks bully you into forgiveness when, indeed, it is likely to be a further assault upon your well-being.
What of the greatest betrayals of all , that of a parent. Many in recovery, and out, have sufffered all sorts of abuse from parents for years. Take for example, an adult child dealing with a dying mother, and feeling intense guilt for not having love for the mother. Yet, trying to be a decent person and showing "that woman" compassion while she was dying.
You must love her, after all she is your mother right ? Wrong- Actually, you don't love her. How could you, considering all she did and didn't do. One doesn't love because the other has a 'title' of mother or father or husband or wife . It is still earned. Not by being perfect – no person or parent is – but at least by not being evil.
So many years are spent trying to follow the mantra that you should forgive and will attain peace. To do that you would have to deny the reality of the truth, of the damage to you, of the loss of a childhood, of the work you were still doing to recover and survive as a normal person with a life you could enjoy and make meaningful.
Why do so many of us believe that we have to forgive or we are bad. In reality, is it not more healing to accept that there are some things you mustn't forgive and that love is earned.
Only when we accept these ideas can we truly come to peace with our past. With no forgiveness, you have demonstrated to yourself your own value and the magnitude of the unholy assault on an innocent child.
When people tell you to forgive just so that you can move on or create peace for them – don't give it.
Forgiving somebody when there is no repentance, no true remorse, no true attempt to repair it, no attempt to make things different, I think is absurd. I think it's ridiculous, pseudo-religion.
To say, "I'm going to let this go and not be obsessed with it every day so I can go on and be my own decent person," that seems to me to be emotionally and psychologically healthy.
But to risk further injury or to say, "Therefore there should be no justice," to me is…I see that stuff as blasphemous. When people say, "I'm in an abusive relationship, he's beating my kids, having sex with the dog, but I'm forgiving him and God says I shouldn't leave," I say, You're using God's name in vain and using the name of God to justify bad behavior.
And there's a lot of that going on, because people don't have the courage to face realities and fight for justice and stand up against evil.
I think standing up against evil is one of the toughest things to do, and most avoid the effort.
Be Strong and Go On.
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