Dear Recovery Family:

First off, I desire to thank Gkath and Di and all others whom have posted for prayer requests for me , they are GREATLY appreciated.

Having said that, what I am about to write is the most painful subject I've EVER had to deal with, yet right now, I am coping by the Grace of God, I know it.

As you have seen, some requests have been made for  me, and I feel it only right to be honest here with what IS going on. Word travels fast on the net, so if you have already heard, that really is okay. Please understand I MUST share this, to not do so, for me, is to drink, in my heart I 'feel' it.

On March 10th, I got a call from my middle son. He was hysterical. Finally able to  understand, he had called to tell my that my youngest son Daniel, had taken his own life.

My Daniel was only 23 yrs old. He meant the world to me, and ya know, what parent would not say that? We, as parents love with an unending love. 

The grief I feel is overwhelming, the pain unbearable, and as each new day arrives, It only gets harder, not better. Today we made his funeral arrangements. I used to talk to tex alot about Dan. As a matter of fact I talked to 'alot' of you wonderful folks about my son.

My son Daniel was an alcoholic. He would tell you that. He also was an SI. On top of that, he was bipolar.  He was 'off' his meds and drinking very heavy and in what I deem a serious toxic relationship.

But family, he was my son, my baby, my light, my love. I am devestated. I have overcame so much since getting sober. So very very much God has seen me thru.  Sometimes, when it was real rough, God carried me, and in my heart, I know it.

AA taught me that there are 3 places for people like 'us'.  Needless  to say, until the 10th, he met the criteria of jail, and institutions. Now, he has finished the last final phase: DEATH!!!!!

We do not have the toxicology report in yet, but we will and if you would like, I will share ALL of that with each one reading this board.

During the last year of Dan's disease, he admitted to me that he had attempted to take his life, but did NOT recall doing so. That, as we know, is a blackout. I explained to him, my story, how I too, had attempted to shoot myself but the gun jammed, I only know this cuz it was told to me by the person I was with.

I explained, as best I could that he was in a VERY VERY DANGEROUS phase of this disease. Sadly, he was not ready to give it up.

The loss of a child, they say, is the GREATEST pain one can or ever will feel.  Today, as I attempt to post, my eyes are swelled almost completly shut from days of crying.

My other sons, who are also alcoholic's are dealing with the loss of their baby brother by drinking. I am in constant fear one of them maybe next.

Each day, I prayed for my sons, I called them to God by their names, and ya know, I don't know why this was allowed to happen. I don't know what he was thinking, how bad off he was, as a matter of fact, I didn't know much at all.

What I now know is this: My son is dead, never again can I hear his laughter, or hug my baby. Never again can I see him after friday, which is the day we set for his wake.

I spent all day today making arrangements, tommorrow I get to chose his casket, along with his flowers. Soon, I also will have to be there when his 5 year old daughter shall be told her 'daddy' is gone, forever. She used to sit on his lap, and sing to him "Father's Eye's" by Amy Grant!

I dont really know how I will go on, but they say a parent NEVER gets over a loss of a child. I sit here and am so pained, wishing that I could find other's who have been there/done this, cuz people, I dont know how.

My faith is shaken, my heart a breaking, and yet, I am thankful. I am thanful God chose to send me to this site, and grateful he did.

I believe right now, I am in the palms of his hands.

Gone are the coulda, shoulda, would of's, see they dont matter no more. 

The WORST is yet to come, I know this. I NEED ALL the support I can get.  Be it a cyber hug, a phone call, or simply an ear, I need you all.

I know this is long, it is late, and since I've not been eating I need to eat and rest. I see my cancer doctor on Thursday. Ya know,, somehow the cancer seems small in comparison to what is going on now.

PLEASE I beg of you, dont give up on me, please dont shy away. I know u may not know what to say, that is ok, I promise. What does Carrie really need?

YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

I love you ALL with a pure heart, I trust each of you and again, I felt it only right to disclose this situation. And it feels good to be so honest.

Thanking u in advance for the kind responds,

Carrie Lynn aka 4reality

who knows dan, maybe this can help someone?

Carrie,

     I have never lost a child and cannot even imagine what you are feeling. I have four and I know I would be devastated. I did loose my only sister on my one year sobriety date. She was everything I was not. Loved by everyone, including me. Why the good Lord chose to take her is beyond me. I do know that she is in a better place and  is watching over me. 

My heart goes out to you and your family. You are in my prayers and will continue to be so. Things happen in our lives that we can't understand, but I guess we aren't supposed to. All we can do is try to do the right thing and carry on.

((((((Carrie))))))  

Larry

((((((((Carrie)))))))) I can't even begin to imagine your pain and your feeling of loss. Having sons of my own,, I can only hold you in my heart and pray for you and yours.

Melly

Carrie no words to say for the death of your son, just know there are friends that will listen its your feelings your love that we will be with you.  My prayers and thoughts are we are a gift while on earth and your son is with god in god's paradise.  The dignity and love of letting go and accepting these hardships as the pathway to peace.  No two people grieve the same but remember your loved and your love shines through you to others.

Hugs and love in recovery TerriB(Theresia)

just a poem I found thought it might help through this time

To All Parents
by Edgar Guest

I'll lend you for a little time a child of mine," He said.
"For you to love the while he lives and mourn when he is dead,
"It may be six or seven years, or twenty-two or three, or more,
"But will you, till I call him back, take care of him for me?

"He'll bring his charms to gladden you, but should his stay be brief,
"You'll have his lovely memories, as solace for your grief,
"I cannot promise he will stay, since all from earth return,
"But there are lessons taught down there I want this child to learn.

"I've looked the wide world over in my search for teachers true,
"And from the throngs that crowd life's lanes I have selected you.
"Now will you give him all your love, nor think the labor vain,
"Nor hate me when I come to call to take him back again?

I fancied that I heard them say: "Dear Lord, Thy will be done!
"For all the joy Thy child shall bring, the risk of grief we'll run.
We'll shelter him with tenderness; we'll love him while we may,
And for happiness we've known forever grateful stay.

"But should the angels call for him much sooner than we'd planned,
"We'll brave the bitter grief that comes and try to understand."

Carrie,

There are no words that come to mind to express my sorrow for you and your family.  You have endured so much and been such an inspiration to me.  I know there is nothing I can say or do to help ease the pain you are dealing with.  I will remember you and yours in my prayers. 

Love and hugs,

chelle

Carrie,

I can not express how much I whish I could reach across these wires that connect us and hold you, let you feel the strength and love I want to share with you.

I lost my brother to suicide as well as a few friends, two of them very close. I know how deep that pain was, how stunning the shock was.

I also know the loss of others to this disease, one recently, was one of our 'adopted kids', how deep that shocked and hurt.

I know that is not as near as the pain it would be if it were one of my kids. But I do understand the bitter taste of that kind of loss.

I have also had to sit by and watch my youngest son and my step daughters as they wander in the darkness and madness of this disease and have had times when my wife and I expected the worse.

It may feel like there is nothing but pain in your life and darkness around you right now. It's OK to feel that way, you have been hurt deeply and have had the roots of your world shaken.

Latter there may be other feelings, anger, the desire to blame, the feelings of hopelessness, guilt, shame, doubting God... Those will probably come, they are natural, and they will pass if you let them.

Then other feelings will come. Memories of the better moments, love for them, may be a desire to help others so that they do not follow that dark road... There may even be a time that you feel a renewal to your own life, a desire to live a better, healthier or more spiritual life. Those too are natural and can be feelings worth hanging on to. Trust that in time they will come and the darkness will pass.

I do know that once I move through the early parts of grieving I find myself cherishing those I have with me in my life, past and present, all the more. The loss eventually makes the gifts I have seem all the more precious.

There will be a time when you will feel the light again.

Know that to me you are one of those precious people. You are a sister in my family of choice. You are a valuable source of strength, hope, and love to me, and when you hurt you do not hurt alone.

As I write this now I feel tears, sorrow and a whish I could lift the weight you feel from you, even if it is only for a moment.

You Brother In Recovery

hobie

Carrie,

I haven't had the good fortune to get to know you yet, but have read many of your posts to others.

I can only imagine what you must be going through right now.  Please know that I will be praying for you daily as you walk this rocky road.

Trust in God and know that you have the support of all of us here!

Linda  (aka Beachmom)

Carrie;  I'm new to this room for a week or so but I feel as if I know you;  I've heard so many good things about your strength getting thru I'm sure is the most tragic.  Just want to say I will pray for you and your older sons whom are suffering also and ask God to take care of  Daniel which I'm sure he is already in His loving arms. 

I will pray for your sons to God to take care of them so you may never have this much pain again.

Hope to finally meet you when you feel strong enough to back to so many friends here that obviously Luv and Care for you.

HURRY HOME!!  WE'LL BE WAITING

My name is merry. Hope to meet you soon.Luv Ya!

Carrie,

I'd like for you to read this letter. I heard it read aloud by Dr. Wayne Dyer. It's a letter written by a holy man named Ram Dass. I think his words may help you now:

QUOTE

Dear Steve and Anita,

Rachel finished her work on earth, and left the stage in a manner that leaves those of us left behind with a cry of agony in our hearts, as the fragile thread of our faith is dealt with so violently. Is anyone strong enough to stay conscious through such teaching as you are receiving? Probably very few. And even they would only have a whisper of equanimity and peace amidst the screaming trumpets of their rage, grief, horror and desolation.

I can't assuage your pain with any words, nor should I. For your pain is Rachel's legacy to you. Not that she or I would inflict such pain by choice, but there it is. And it must burn its purifying way to completion. For something in you dies when you bear the unbearable, and it is only in that dark night of the soul that you are prepared to see as God sees, and to love as God loves.

Now is the time to let your grief find expression. No false strength. Now is the time to sit quietly and speak to Rachel, and thank her for being with you these few years, and encourage her to go on with whatever her work is, knowing that you will grow in compassion and wisdom from this experience.

In my heart, I know that you and she will meet again and again, and recognize the many ways in which you have known each other. And when you meet you will know, in a flash, what now it is not given to you to know: Why this had to be the way it was.

Our rational minds can never understand what has happened, but our hearts– if we can keep them open to God – will find their own intuitive way. Rachel came through you to do her work on earth, which includes her manner of death. Now her soul is free, and the love that you can share with her is
invulnerable to the winds of changing time and space. In that deep love, include me.

In love,

Ram Dass

UNQUOTE

All my love is aimed right at you, right here and now. Feel it? Lyn

There are times when words just simply aren't enough.

Please know that I love you Froggie, and that you and your family remain in my thoughts and prayers.

I'm fairly new here and haven't been able to really get to you know.  But please know that you and yours are in my thoughts and in in my prayers.

There aren't any other words I can say expcept, that your recovery family is here for you and always have our arms open to you.

Much love,

Jeannie xoxoxo

Carrie , 

For the next few weeks you will run on automatic pilot. Not "doing" anything, just merely responding to voices on the phone or someone around you needing answers. You will cry and try to deal with it in your own way, and go through a million battles in your mind ...

"Why couldn't I have done something to stop him?"

"What signs did I miss?"

"Didn't he know how much I loved him?"

"Why ..?"

Soon the shock will began to wear off and the reality of it all will set in. He really isn't coming through that door again. This isn't just a nightmare that will eventually end. How do you ever put into words the sympathy you  have for a friend who has an ache that reaches to the depth of her soul and back again?

My friend, there will be days that you will long to hug your son again, to tease him or to simply talk to  him.Those longings will never cease.

But Carrie you  will heal and go on, because you have to. We need you  to.

You can  not willingly surrender to the same things that stole your son from you. Strive to make a difference! Do not focus on his death because in doing so, you will  "die" daily. Instead  focus on his life and keep him alive. You have many "good" memories of him ...

I would be lying to you if I said it will soon get easier. It won't. Just about the time the shock and numbness wear off totally, and the emotions come full strength again, people will started pushing you to "go on with life." There will be times when  you  think you're moving on and doing well, but something overwhelms you and you  will have to dig for more strength to fight your way through it.

Carrie do not give into grief and depression. It's easy to allow yourself to fall into those things, but they are all-consuming. The more you allow it, the more it pulls you in.

Losing a child is so totally different from any other kind of death. Only those that have been through it can truly understand. Maybe the most difficult battle you  will face will be the one in your own head .

You will be unprepared for the loss of concentration, and the battle in getting back your ability to think. It will be frustrating. At first you  may literally  think that you are losing your mind.

It will hit you when you feel pressured or pushed, and then  suddenly you feel very fragile again. Hold  strong to your faith Carrie and believe the separation for you and your son is a temporary one.

Remember to  celebrate his birthdate, and not have rituals on his death date. Hold dear to  your memories, for it is his life that gave you pleasure, and it's those memories that keep him alive.

There is a singer by the name of Judy  Collins, she is an alcoholic and a mother to a son  who took his life through suicide. She wrote a book it's called Sanity and Grace, A Journey of Suicide, Survival and Strength. perhaps you will find some solace in her words.

Hugs Carrie , and remember to be good to yourself

Skye

A "Very Big Nod" to what Skye said.

Carrie

I just wanted to let you know that there isn't a day that goes by that I am not thinking of you and praying for your pain to ease. If there is anything I can do. please let me know.

Love always

Melly

Dear Lord:

Please bless each and every1 who took the time to offer me love, and keep me in their prayers, commitments, and smudgings. Lord, words still somehow elude me but when I see how the love is shown, it gives me strength. Continue to bless this site and each one who makes their way here. For I know they made it here cuz of the love that resides here. In Jesus Name I humbly ask.

------------------------ I must say to each of you how touched I am. And share yet another ounce of hope to perhaps some reading this who don't know how to ask for help.  Here goes:

Last nite I got a phone call from yet another one of my son's friends. I've had several call and 'confide' in me. This young person had told me that they are in the hospital as they had attempted suicide, while in a blackout, on Monday. This person (protecting here as this person may come here soon, so no names, I am sure we understand, hugs)attempted to hang themself, ended up in a coma for 3 days.  This person also had a sibling who commited suicide along while ago, and to this day the mom still grieves!

Although the young person spent 3 days in a coma, it was God who kept said person alive, for a reason. I shared that. It gave hope to the hopeless, ya know? 

I called the mom, who in turn, helped me! She and I will do coffee soon, and the mom said I had helped her too, just by caring, and by offering help. 

So see  there IS good coming from this horrific situatuion.  I awoke the day of my son's funeral trembling, and yet I had a song in my head. The song was one my oldest son had sang while away at bible college.  It is on a CD.  The name of the song? "If you could use anything Lord, you could use me".  Little did I know that song was in me head for a reason! He is using me. I'm back to my f2f meetings, see cuz pain and fear, for this alkie is a GREAT motivator.

I'm still in alot of pain, still in a fog even, and given it was only almost 2 weeks ago, I know in my heart this is normal. I just needed to let you all know where/how I am doing, cuz see, I now KNOW how much the people here DO care. The calls I've received have been so comforting. You each hold a special place in this woman's heart. You show me each time I log on how I can draw from YOUR strength and your prayers.

There is NO other place I'd rather come for online than here. Soon, my sister will be online, and she too is gonna attend some of our meetings here! What a double blessing for me.

So, in closing, I would like to say IF there are any lurkers who are afraid, please come to some of the online meetings, or just stop in and say hi, these folks care about YOU and they will do their best to help you. Cuz that IS what recovery is about, Just another alkie and or addict helping another so that we too, can carry the message and know we are a part of loving service.

Take care, and remember WE love here, cuz we roll like that.   

In loving service,

Da one, da only KITTY FROGGGGGGGG hee hee

Wow, Carrie -- what a "God shot"!!!  I'm so glad you're beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel -- I can't begin to imagine how difficult this is for you, but here you are, offering hope and encouragement to others.  That's what it's all about.

HURRY BACK!!! I miss landing on my favorite froggie's head!!!

My dear kitty frogg,

After talking to you the other night, I KNOW you will survive this. You are one special lady. You continue to be in my prayers. Love ya tons.

Kaffy