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Forums > Discussions- Non Addiction Related Topics > General
Subject: The inner voice
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Glenn H User is Offline
Supreme MINION
Supreme MINION
Posts: 161
03/17/2007 7:42 AM Alert 
                                                      The inner voice and loving
   All my life for as long as I can remember I resisted the sounds of that voice from with in. I was always listening to the voices of others and tried so hard to act accordingly and overextend my boundaries. Appearing needy and dependant upon others, Insecure in my own truths I choked the life out of every relationship I had including one with a Higher Power and one with myself. I believed that if I did hear that voice from with in it was telling me I was unlovable and not worthy of receiving love. However it was okay to show others love, that was doing the right thing, that was just fine. To love myself though? That is being selfish. That voice was not real; it was in fact a mask. A mask hiding the real me. The one person that for so long now I have pushed aside. It is not easy to understand why or how or even when I began to push me away. To ignore my voice. To stop loving myself. Certainly I must have loved myself at some point. But perhaps that ended when I was a child. It doesn't matter now that the childhood experiences were a part of that. I am an adult now and those things I used in childhood to protect myself do not work now as an adult. So where am I?
   I have been sober for three and a half years and have worked very hard at getting to the root of it all. The steps have helped tremendously but there is still more. There will always be more. Recent events in my life the past several months have brought to the surface dying fish. I know I must remove those from the spiritual waters of my life using that net we all talk about. Faith. I talk about that often, my faith, where is it now? It is here inside of me, and when I sit quietly in the morning hours I ask the God of my understanding to give me the strength to swim in these waters and not fear sinking. I hear that inner voice today. God and  Alcoholics Anonymous have brought me to that point. Yet there are times when I still ignore that voice, those God whispers, my gut/voice. Then I almost immediately feel that agonizing pain of yesterday.
   The other day I was taking a break from prayer and meditation, quiet time, and turned on the television. I aimlessly flipped through the channels and came across this movie about a man dying from cancer. He was video taping his life for his unborn son to see. I was sucked right into this movie and felt the emotion stirring inside of me. Now I understand this was just a movie. But somebody wrote this and it must have come from some personal experience. In this particular scene he was reflecting on his childhood. He had this place in his room then that he would go and isolate. I do that here in this apartment today. I did it then as a child too. That scene mirrored my early memories as a child perfectly. I too had that closet. I began to cry uncontrollably and as the tears flowed down my cheeks I knew that these were healing tears. I also knew that it was no coincidence that I flipped to that channel when I did. The movies title was "My Life". Now I am not dying of cancer that I am aware of. I was dying from alcoholism though and these scenes represented my feelings exactly. Then and now.
   I have several books I read in the morning. For the past several days everything they have said has spoke right to me and where I am. Earlier that same day I sat in this apartment crying like a baby and beating myself up for ignoring my voice. I am really good at beating myself up. The sun hadn't risen yet and the tears stopped flowing as I felt my Higher Power hugging me. I did what I had to do and later that morning talked to my sponsor and felt better. During that movie a friend called and we talked and this time I heard what was being said. In short the message was. I have a heart of gold and I love others deeply and compassionately and there is nothing wrong with that. But please take that love you give to others and give it to yourself. That is scary; I haven't done that for so long, if ever.
   So this morning when I rolled out of bed and hit the floor before walking out of my room I asked God. God? Help me please. Help me apply that love I give to others to myself. I sat in Sunday morning’s meeting and before it started I talked to a friend and shared with him what I was feeling. During the meeting I listened to what I was hearing, really listened. I cried some, smiled some and felt that feeling of loving myself begin. After the meeting I shared where I was with another friend, basically what I have written here. She told me that if I love myself as I love others then that love I give others will also change and get better. One works with the other and I do so love you all, each and every one of you.
So I will sit and listen to what I am hearing. God bless you all...  See you on that road...

I wrote this some time ago. Found it in my archives this morning and decided to share it with you all.

Namaste  Glenn H
Center your heart, and cultivate your spirit.
Gkathy User is Offline
Trusted Servant
Master MINION
Master MINION
Posts: 746
03/17/2007 10:49 AM Alert 

Learning to love self, what an order!

I used to think I was such a caring, giving person. Through my step work I found the opposite... it really had nothing to do with you! It was about me controlling you. It was about my ego saying, "look at me!! My life can't be farked up, look how I can save everyone and solve their problems!"  If I was saving you, I could ignore that my life was one big mess.

I have had to learn to set boundaries with others in order to arrest that defect of saving everyone.  Through setting boundaries, and concentrating on changing the only thing I can change....... ME.. I have begun to accept me for who I am.

I like myself for who I am today. I am understanding the true meaning of helping someone....... giving them the tools and letting them choose to use them or not. My self worth is not based on if they follow my suggestions.

Is their room for growth? Hell ya!! I do know though that I am a work in progress and that as long as I am willing, God will put the situations in my life for me to see what needs changing........ on HIS time!
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud
was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. ~~~Anais Nin
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