Glenn H 
Supreme MINION
Posts: 161
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| 03/16/2007 5:57 PM |
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Hello again family!
Working on that promotion.  Seriously though. Something to share.
Abuse: I can only speak from experiences I have had. I am no card holding member of the medical science feild. All I have is experience. Although I have mentioned these in a general way it is something I have found in AA that many have experienced.
I would suppose that there are all forms of abuse. The things we as humans that are sick do to one another is amazing and often heart breaking. I have been personally the abuser and abusee. To each degree more one than the other but both just as harmful.
These are some of the abuses I have survived. Physical abuse from bullies as a young boy. Sexual abuse from a camp councilor, mental and emotional abuse from my parents. Verbal abuse and mental abuse from my ex-wife.
These are some of the abuses I have committed. Verbal and mental abuse towards my ex-wife. Emotional abuse towards my son. Although never physically abusive to anyone in my mind the thoughts were there. Even though also never sexually abusive the line was very thin and thank God although I stepped on that line I never fully crossed it.
When I was a young boy I attended a summer camp my father insistantly sent my sisters and I to. After spending a year in school being beat up by bullies, kids twice my age, I was but a quiet withdrawn little boy. Having few friends and afraid to make any. I was 9 years old that year. My father always made me do chores and I was never good enough and there fore was punished quite a bit. Sent to my room for the day after he emptied it and I was to stay there 24 hours without food or water or contact from any family member. My mother stood by him out of fear a suppose for if she or one of my 2 sisters tryed to talk to me or feed me he would punish them too.
At 9 years old I am in this camp. Alone and scared wanting to go home and he found me there. He sat and talked to me and listened and that was something new to me. He gained my trust and after that took advantage of that trust and did the things sexual preditors do. That continued into the next year at camp. I arrived and he was there too. To this day I remember his name and his favorite song and how he would cry himself to sleep if he heard it as his mom used to sing it to him before she died. (I remember this as if it were yesterday) I knew what he was doing was wrong but it was 1969-1970. These things weren't talked about and what was I supposed to do and who would have believed me? I was a confused little kid searching for attention and love. We never heard that at home nor felt it. The next summer he was gone and I was releived but sad too. I wasn't the only boy he touched... I, like I had done with other painful memories stuffed it and put it away.
Years pass and I feel this sick feeling inside of me and get scared after hearing that when these types of things happen to kids they turn out to be just like that. My mom and dad split in an ugly divorce. My dad moved toanother state with his girlfriend and her two kids. I was bitter and angry. Feeling abandoned and unloved. Eventually I was to move to where my dad and his new family lived. There I emotionally abused, physically abused and came so very close to sexually abusing her children. Be it out of anger or learned habits I had no idea then. I was sick and God only knows what stopped me from carrying it out to the lengths to which it had been done to me. That behaviour stopped. I was 15 then. Years go by and I graduate from high school and join the military.
The fear and the shame return when my son is born. Because of those memories and that fear I sought out counseling. Seeking reassurance that what I did as a child and what happened to me as a child would not continue as a father husband and an adult. It didn't. Thank God! I thought I had dealt with that pain and shame until I reached the end of my drinking career and in sobriety found that they were only lying dormant in the archives of my mind. Although the acts were not ever performed the thoughts were there, the fear was there and I had to find a way to put these feelings to rest once and for all. How was I to do this?
In taking out every last memory the one that stood out the most was that of that camp concilor and that experience. Was it the end of the life of a young innocent little boy he stole? It seemed after that that my life was never again the same. Was it that event that made me feel unlovable and unworthy? Was it that event that tarnished the view in which I saw life? Perhaps it was. But as a memeber of alcoholic anonymous doing and living the steps I had to dig into the deepest parts ofmy soul and uncover it all. Inventories were made and ammends were made and it was this last memory that held on.
The end of year 2 in recovery I bring this up at a meeting about resentments. Tears flow from my eyes in this men's meeting when we talk about my part. What part could a 9 year old boy possibly have in this event? I asked. After all the forgiving of myself and others I hadn't forgiven this man. My part was holding on to that resentment. Every time I heard of someone being beaten by their significant other or friend, every time I heard of a child being sexually abused, a woman being raped. or a parent verbally or emotionally abusing their child I got angry. For another year and a half this conflict boiled inside of me as I dug deeper for the answer.
Then it happened.... During that year and a half I was praying all the time that this anger and fear be removed. That I could gather the faith and strength to forgive this man. You see I believed what I was told that night in the men's meeting. And I was now willing to let it go. Something told me it was time. It was this time last year I was on my way to a men's workshop in Atlanta and all the way down there this very issue was on my mind and the prayers were in my heart and I met two men.
The first spoke Friday night on forgiveness. I had goose bumps all through his talk and tears flowed. Saturday morning I sought him out at breakfast and like a great flood the words spilled out and I shared every detail with him. That resentment was lifted out of me. I went to the chapel on the 4-H campgrounds and got on my knees and by name asked God for strength, then asked that I forgive this man and did so. I then thanked God for His hand and that of this man that spoke to me today. That night the very same man stood again at the podium and shared his story with us and again my heart pounded and tears flowed and I felt God. This man (ED M) was ent there that very weekend by God to talk to me. (other I am sure too, but I listened). Later that night I sat by the campfire in a breakout session and another nam confessed his soul to us. He had been a sexual preditor when he was out there drinking and drugging and the shame and guilt ate him alive. He shared so much there that night and you could have heard dust dropping. Tear flowed from his eyes and you could hear the pain in his voice, it trembled so. My heart went out to him and I felt his pain. After that meeting ended he walked away slowly and alone. Before he got to far I felt this urge pushing me. I walked up to him and introduced myself and we sat and talked a bit. Then I looked in his eyes and told him, I forgive you, God forgives you, it is now time to forgive yourself.
The whole amazing thing about all this is that now today I can share this with out fear or pain. That after that weekend those feelings have not returned. God took them away from me that weekend just as He had removed my desire to drink. Thereby adding more concrete to my faith.
None of this would have been possible had it not been for AA and the steps, good sponsorship and people in recovery that are "in" recovery. None of this would have been possible had it not been for God bringing together 2 drunks so many many years ago. It works!
So today when I hear we are not bad people trying to be good but sick people trying to get well I think of this and know it to be true.
I know I shared too long here but felt compelled to do so and trusting enough of the folks here to know that these words would be understood even if all the blanks weren't filled in. Many of you may have been here and done this or worse.
At any rate love you all and God bless you all this day...
Namaste.. Glenn H |
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Center your heart, and cultivate your spirit.
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