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Glenn H 
Supreme MINION
Posts: 161
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| 03/16/2007 2:26 PM |
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This is how it was for me. I drank since I was 13 years old. Although there were a few sips before then. It wasn't until then that I felt the warm fuzzy feeling and release from care and boredom mentioned in our literature. I drank at every given opportunity after that and never once was interested in controlling my drinking. It was that high, that buzz I was after, to drink as fast as I could and as much as I could. It was fun at first, even getting sick never slowed me down. I could drink the worst rot gut and into the wee hours of the morning then pass out come to and go to work. No problem. In my 20's I drank every night almost, just a few at first to take the edge off and relax. The parties on the weekends never ended and I was having fun. Drinking and driving was my favorite past time and even those warm summers nights when it was just me and my bike I would cruise along the parkway and stop often to get another drink down.
As I got older, which happens, I noticed getting up wasn't as easy anymore but attributed that to getting old. I was in my 30's. Those few drinks at night began to turn into a 12 pack and a case sometimes. The weekends were no longer the reserved time for getting really drunk. Now it happened without warning and although I knew it was taking it's toll on my life I continued to drink. Now unable to stop. Thinking often and even trying at times to cut down at times. I never could control it. Once that bottle hit my lips for the first time that day, all bets were off.
Somewhere along the way the fun of it was gone and I was unable at times to even get motivated unless I knew I had to go get more. When I was at work my mind was consumed by that need to drink and I couldn't wait to get off work to go to the bar. Even at that I would stop along the way and pick up a case downing several before geting there. Bars are expensive. And the fun wasn't there. I sat alone in the bar surrounded by people and aquired the nickname lonewolf as I sat at the end of the bar and drank.
I was almost 40 now and drinking was all I had. I had attempted suicide a few times in that 20 some years of drinking. I gave away my family, my wife, my son, and that girlfriend who tryed to rescue me during the divorce. My best friend had died years earlier, my folks disowned me I had all but lost my faith in God and all faith in myself was gone. Any dreams I might have had were dead and the drink no longer did for me what it used to do. My last real drunk was what I call my lost weekend. I to this day rememebr hardly any of it.
I came into the rooms 100 pounds lighter, pale and bleeding to death from the eyes. My head sunken, my muslces weak, my heart cold and my spirit broken. I was whipped. For the next few days I would hold it together at work just long enough to get to a meeting and then get home. Then the shaking would start and the sweats would come, the seizures would start and I would pass out exhausted. Emotionally drained and physically beaten. Days turned into weeks and the seizures left finally except for that occasional surprize visit. I kept going to meetings, kept listening and following suggestions and slowly beagn to eat better and keep it down. The guilt and shame slowly left as I came to and my wieght began to return and my heart beat stronger, my eyes cleared. my mind began to see clearly and think better and I was feeling like I was reborn. The wounds healed and tears flowed and things were uncovered about myself and disgarded I was alive.
For what seemed like an eternity I had been released from a personal hell, trapped by my own preception of how things were. Today I sit here a new man, maybe the same man but a better man with a better outlook on life. I am sober today only by the grace of God and Alcoholic Anonymous.
Will I ever return to that cold and dark place and drink again? I pray not. So I will do what I need to do every day to insure I never return to that place. I do not want to go there again ever and by staying in the middle of this fellowship and in touch daily with the God of my understanding chances are good that I will remain sober for the rest of my life.
Love you all
Namaste... Glenn H. |
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Center your heart, and cultivate your spirit.
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carrie
MINION Wizard
Posts: 468
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| 03/16/2007 3:58 PM |
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| Thank you Glenn....your story is indeed one of sadness, and HOPE.....I know the man you are, and your unique writing style sure does brighten my day. For me, what i love about the Realm Forums is each one of us is so sincere, and altho we are taught we are not unique, for me, each one of ya's are. (smile) You shared from the heart in this post, telling us what is was like, and how you are now.....THAT IS HOPE....I pray one day I too, can do the same. I enjoy your posts, please keep them coming, and thank you for sharing you with me.....hugs and recovery love, da kittyfrog... |
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To a desolate person an act of kindness can be the difference between getting bitter and getting better.............. |
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