A question to ask of all who want to share.

I will ask the question first then give you my answer in short form...

What is it that brought you to AA, what attracted you to it, and what keeps you here?

I have seen death and felt death closing in. I felt that ice cold blue freeze deep with in and that big empty hole where the wind blew through. I have seen people die drunk and alone and was sooo very close to it myself.

If I was brought here it was by a God I did not understand. (In hindsight He brought me here) for I was not attracted to AA. He threw me at your doorstep and I crawled in. 1640 days ago I sat in my first meeting and I walked away from that meeting with only 2 things. Hope in my heart and a white chip in my pocket. I have not had a drink since.

After that I was attracted to the unconditional love and fellowship shown in the rooms. I sat amongst people that shared my common plight and had a common solution and I wanted what you all had. That feeling of happiness and joy and freedom only found in sobriety for an alcoholic. Along the way I found an understanding of my God and the desire to drink was gone. I realized that I began to change. Mentally physically and most importantly spiritually. I followed the suggestions, each and every one and as the result of these spiritual steps had a spiritual awakening the likes of which I have never known.

I found in AA what I had been searching for all my life. A peace and calm deep with in me. I keep coming back because I want to, no need to, keep this life AA has given me. I do not want to die alone and on the street, cold and damp in a dark place where my mind is gone and so is God. I want to die sober and joyful and free and the only way I can insure that is to practice these principals in all my affairs. Stay in the rooms and continue to grow and get closer to my God. The only way I can do that is to keep coming back, day after day after day. Not only to get what I need but to give what I got. Get it read it study it learn it live it then scatter it. I want my ashes placed in my God box and the only way that will happen is if I die sober. If I stop coming I will drink and then I will die the worst death imaginable.

So much for the short version... 

So what got you here and what keeps you here?

Love you all.....  Namaste   Glenn H

Hi Glenn --

What brought me to AA was desperation -- complete and utter desperation.  After spending 10 days on a Psych Ward where I went through horrifying DTs, I was lost.  I thought I was crazy, and I didn't have a clue how to live without alcohol.

Once I got to AA, after several meetings, I realized that these people knew something I didn't -- how to live, and to do it without alcohol.  It took a while for that to get through my vodka-soaked brain, but I felt in my heart that there was something to be learned there.

Why do I keep coming back?  I have found love and friendship in the rooms of AA such as I have never known in my life.  The people in my home group were willing to love me until I could love myself.  They were willing to teach me, support me, and help me grow. 

Almost 3 1/2 years later, I'm still learning and growing -- I still feel like the "new kid" -- and for the first time in my life, that's good!  Every day is a new experience, a new lesson, another opportunity to let others know that there is a solution to the desolation and desperation of alcoholism -- that life doesn't have to hurt that badly.

Hugs,

Carol

Hey Glenn!

I came to AA because I basically had a mental meltdown. Had been on a 3 day binge, and woke up one morning "crazy."  I couldn't stop crying. I hated me and wanted to die. I had my mom take me to the mental health facility just to see if they could help me and tell me what was wrong.  They told me I was an alcoholic. LOL  DUH!! I had already pretty much figured that out, but I guess they confirmed it. lol 

I was admitted inpatient for 8 days for the detox process, and was introduced to AA there by one of the counselors who is in recovery for addiction and alcoholism himself.  I can never describe the feeling of acceptance and love I got when I walked through that door at my first meeting.  I only went because it was a requirement to remain out patient. lol  I thought that no one on earth was as terrible as I.  No one had ever done the things that I had.  And they were all telling my story.

That is exactly why I keep coming back.  What if someone comes in the door and needs to hear that I am exactly like them? And that they can live without a drink?

Thanks for the great topic, Glenn. Love you lots

love and hugs,

chelle

Our stories have something similar Chelle.  Two months before I got sober I woke up and could not get out of bed. It was not a physical thing, it was a mental thing.... I was completely defeated , had no clue as to how to get out of bed and face another day.

I continued to lay there until around 10 a.m. when I called my dad at work and told him I needed him to pick us up, drop the kids at school and take me to the emergency room. I wanted help so badly, but still did not want to believe it was the alcohol kicking my butt.

We dropped the kids off at school and went to the ER. I had such awful anxiety and panic that I almost walked out of the full ER. I talked to a nurse and she put me in the "quiet room" usually reserved for family members of those in the trauma unit.

I slept on the couch until 4 p.m. when they finally called me back to my cubicle. That was the best sleep I had had in months. I felt safe there.

The doctor came into my little cubicle and then headed straight back out and would only stand in the doorjam while he spoke to me.  He told me, very kindly, that he would not come into the little room because of the smell of the alcohol and other things coming out of my pores. I was drinking so much that my body was overloaded and the only way for the toxins to come out was through my pores.

He prescribed me xanax and then sent in the social worker who would not release me until my dad got back to take my to the county psych ward.  Once there I was released after a talk with a doctor that told me I really wasn't an alcoholic, I just had some molestation issues to work through. Sigh  She also prescribed more meds and sent me home.

This is where my clarity started to come in. I was sitting there with all these meds knowing that I was going to drink and scared to death that I would OD, but at the same time I remember very vividly that I also knew I could drink and take a bunch and probably end things. The thought of ending things was romanticized over and over because it seemed so much simpler.

I am not kidding you when I tell you that the thought of ending it felt both horrible and wonderful at the same time. I was so exhausted with life as I was living it. I had been in relapse for 5 years.

When I say that my clarity started to happen I mean that I started to hear God working in my life. I listened to the little voice that told me if I must drink, I can't take those pills. I became very fearful of them. I would drink a couple days, then take a day off from the booze and take the pills instead. Oh my goodness, the thoughts and pain of not drinking on those days were excruciating.

That excruciating pain began to break down my denial. I was finally facing, if even for fleeting moments, that I could not live without alcohol.  It took a couple more months and a few more doctors with prescription pads waiting and willing for me to finally get some help.

The deal breaker on getting help is that I had a suicide plan. They were doing some work on the freeway nearby, and I knew I could run my car into the cement pylons and make it look like an accident.

I went to a new doctor with new insurance. I got honest with her. She would not prescribe me anything until I went to the insurances chemical dependency center. She simply refused to do anything else for me, God bless her.

WOW. So here I am in complete panic mode, driving down the freeway in traffic, pulling over again and again because I think I am going to pass out from the panic of being on the freeway. Asking God again and again to continue to give me willingness to make it to the outpatient intake. I will never forget that drive for the rest of my life. It was, and is, the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. It was agony and relief at the same time.

I did my intake there and saw their medical doctor about detoxing. They wanted me to detox at home, with librium, for 7 days because of my risk of seizures.  I went back there daily for more meds (only given a days worth at a time) and to take a breathalyizer. On the 3rd day I told them they better put me into program or I would drink. I could no longer be accountable to myself, all the old thoughts were creeping back in. I started outpatient the next day.

This was all happening 3 years ago this month. What a difference in my quality of life today all due to the program outlined in the Big Book. I don't do it perfectly, that is for sure, but I have such relief from that bondage of being tortured by my alcoholic thinking.

I am so grateful today that I am no longer that poor, desperate, tortured woman that I was then. Today life is not perfect, but that's okay.  I have a solution to deal with now, rather than a solution to drown it.

I definitely didn't get to AA by my own choosing. I was 46 years old and standing in front of a judge, with my 3rd dui. He told me I had a problem with alcohol and needed to go to AA. Needless to say that's where I ended up 3 times a week to get a paper signed. I had no intentions to quit drinking. I was on a 28 year drunk and didn't care who or what I hurt.

I think the main thing that attracted me to the program was the fellowship. I hadn't had any true friends in a lot of years. My family wanted nothing to do with me. I got to my first meeting early. There were a lot of people standing around, drinking coffee and laughing. They were having a good time. They acted like they were actually friends with each other. At that point I couldn't even begin to fathom that people actually could be like that. Especially sober.

My three days a week turned into everyday. I wanted what these people had. It took me a while to get there though. I think I did eveything wrong at first except not drink. It took me over 18 months and several sponsors to get through all the steps. But I finally did it and still, by the grace od God I hadn't taken a drink. Today I have what those people had.. I have people I can actually call true friends. I have people that trust me today. By God's grace in 40 days it will be 6 years since I walked in the doors. If there is one thing I've learned it's that there is nothing in my life today that a drink will make better.

It's a good day to be sober.

Larry