I had a setback a couple to days ago.  My temper came out and everyone around reaped the benifits of my fit.  All seven stopped and staired, mouths open and eyes wide.  Not daring to move as I, El Jefe, ranted in my gringo langange that they had no understanding of.  But my animated actions and tone was unmistakable.  My frustration and anger out for all to witness.  Even with 37 days of not a drop, my disease was still going to raise its' ugly head.

It had been a morning that nothing seemed to work.  You know,  overslept, coffee not made,  puter misbehaving, workers not working... da da da..  I had seen it coming.  I already knew that I would be out of control.  But tried to fool myself that I was in control and would handle the situation and change that anger.  But I only needed one more thing, anything... to put me over the edge... and I looked for it, I wanted to find that excuss and goddamnit... I'll find it.  And so I did.

I think back to my pre-drinking time.  Ya, the occasional temper tantrum as a child.  The frustration or disapointment anger as a teen.  As the years passed and my drinking careeer had been launched, my normal expression of temper tantrums turned to often into outbursts of angry rage.  ALL justified of course... by me.

In my short time... very short time, here in my recovery, I have been trying to learn to recognize my inner anger and try to look at it, control it and put the anger into more rational and exceptable expression.  I felt good that  in 37 days I could be frustrated, but no explosions.

Ok.  37 days without is still a heck of a lot better then 37 explosions a day. 

Thank you for giving me a place to put this.  Ringo

Glad you are here Ringo. I to have a temper. Granted it is a lot better than it used to be, but even today it still can rear up and show it's ugly head. Two things of come to learn is that the  Serenity Prayer can help tremendously. Also thanks to AA I can start my day over anytime I choose. I don't have to let the rage or my temper ruin my day. Hang in there, you are doing great.

When I first came in... I was told that when I started drinking, I stopped growing emotionally. That when I sobered up, what I started learning was to live life on life's terms, to learn responsibilty and deal with emotions the right way.

For you to have a temper tantrum is not an unusual thing Ringo. And tho 37 days IS awesome, it's still 37 days. Give yourself a break Dear, and pat yourself on the back. You have come a hell of a long way in those 37 days. Be proud of your accomplishments and learn from your lessons.

(((((((( Ringo ))))))))) hugs little brother. I can so relate. For the longest time I stuffed anger, never even felt it. Sometimes I would feel a little something and think maybe it was anger, but would quikly stuff it back down I guess. I didnt understand what it was even like to be angry to be honest, and growing up in a home where thats basically all I ever seen or heard, I was terrified of it. Its just recently a therapist told me she has never understood how a person can go so many years not feeling the emotion of anger, but that I wasnt the only person to ever tell her that. and she said thinks because of the way I was raised ( grandpa preacher) that she thinks in some way I was either told (and I was) or felt in some way (and I did) that it was a sin to be angry, so therefor I stuffed it all those years. that is until one day i realized how badly I was being played by some people I thought were friends and realized they never gave a rip at all and somehow it triggered me and the volcano erupted majorly and everyone knew it too. The rage and anger outwardly has stopped now that I am away from them, no one ever seen it before then, and no one ever has since then. Basically I am all calm cool and collected person, always have been. Its just inside where I feel it now alot since that or they (which ever it was) triggered me, and now i just I take it out on myself in certain ways (beating myself up verbally) and I am finding that with more time sober, its getting to be alot more inside and as I heard someone else share in a meeting, sometimes it even scares me. I am thankful tho that you shared this. I am learning alot from you and others because you share about things your going through and reading their replies. It helps to know we are not alone and that others have made it through this and so WE can too. Hugs to you Ringo! ONE day at a time little brother!