For those that can't get into the blog...

I know the wreckage of my past. I know the illness of alcoholism has deep roots. That those roots were tapped long before the drink arrived. I know I had to do the things I did to get to the point where there was nothing else to do but either end it or do something. That complete and total surrender was now required. That I had to concede to my inner most self that I was alcoholic and therefore could never drink like a normal person. That idea was smashed. I knew the steps had to be taken and applied to all my affairs. That in this journey of getting down to causes and conditions that many things would be and still will be uncovered. That I had to follow the suggestions made by those that went before me that I had to get and listen to my sponsor. That I had to find a power greater than myself and turn my life over to that power, That I had to do that inventory and share it with another man. I knew I had to ask for forgiveness and that God remove all my defects of character and my shortcomings. I knew I had to make that list and those ammends. That I had to pray and meditate in a continuing effort to maintain constant contact with the God of my understanding. That I had to have that spiritual awakening, help others and applied what I had learned not only to my disease but to every day life. I started this journey almost 5 years ago. After living a life filled with chaos and drama selfishness and dis-honesty. It was going to be a long way out of where I came but a trip worth taking.
  Having said that I need to share what was talked about tonight in a meeting after a meeting. You know what those are if you arrive early to face to faces and hang around afterwards. We were talking about relationships and love. I have had a few in my lifetime. Not many but enough. Of all those this came to the front of my mind.
  My two greatest loves. The ones that stand out the most and have withstood all time. I shared them tonight there and to all you here. Not in great detail but you will get the gist. One came early in my life, the other at the end of my drinking life. Both live forever in my mind and hold very dear places in my heart.
  Lori Jo and I were 17. Juniors in high school. It was the end of summer school and we were to start our last two years in high school when we met. She was the extra beat in my heart. A beautiful girl of cherokee decent. Her long black hair and deep brown eyes cut into my very soul. For the last two years in high school we were never apart for long. Before school after school every weekend and through out our summer. We had those dreams young kids have of making it in the world together. We were young and in love. Well as in love as two kids could be. She wasn't my first kiss but she was indeed my first love. Later in the summer after we graduated from high school she became pregnant. Wedding plans were made but something was wrong and 2 weeks before the day we were to be married she broke up with me. I was crushed for sure and treated that pain just as I always had before in other things. I drank away the pain. I found out later that the baby was born and was not mine and thats why she broke up with me. Over the years I learned that she had had several more children by differant dads and that her life was a mess. The news faded but the memories of her didn't.
  Debbie came years later. A woman I knew as a girl in those younger years. She was my best friends sisters best friend. She in fact married another friend of mine from high school. Fast forward 19 years. My drinking had worsened and my marriage was at its end and there was debbie. Single and just as pretty as I had remembered her from those earlier days. I was seperated and she and I immediately began our life together. I was going through the divorce process. She had been through that years before and was there to support me every step of the way. In my darkest days of depression and drinking she was my safe harbor. The only place where I felt whole and safe. We would sit in parks for hours, go places and do things and laugh and cry together. One Friday night about 11 months later we went out to eat. Went back to her place and drank champaign and sat and talked and went to bed and made incredible love falling asleep wrapped up in eachother. The next morning when we awoke we sat in her living room and she handed me a letter. As I read the words she had written she sat across from me crying as my world came crashing down around me. It was over that quick. I was completely taken by suprize. Six months later I was to crawl into my first meeting of AA. A completely beaten man. Everything was broken my spirit my will to live. I died somewhere in those last months out there drinking. Debbie was not to blame. I never even got angry at her. By the time I found closure? I had been in the rooms for a while and my ammends was made.
  In between these two loves there was a woman that gave birth to my son. My wife of 19 years who had an affair 9 years into our marriage, but was still my wife and witnessed my disease rip our lives apart. The question was asked of me tonight. Did I love her? I had to say yes but not like I loved Lori or Debbie. Especially Debbie. In recovery in finding out about me I came to the conclusion that I had settled for her and tryed to make something out of something that was never meant to be. That I was sick then and was reaching out to someone to validate my exsistance. Then I was asked had I gotten sober would I still be married to her? And I had to honestly say no. Then I was aked if Lori or Debbie ever came back into my life would I give it another try? At first I said hell no. After thinking about the comment for a minute or two I changed that to I don't really know, perhaps.
  On my way home I was thinking about that. I drive about 35 minutes from my meetings to get home. I wondered why of the loves I have had in my life why these two have survived through all I have faced before a since recovery. I remember Ed M saying once. "That even if someone stops loving you, thats okay, love em anyway. You just do not have to allow that to interfere with the rest of your life. After all God's will is for us to love others regardless of weather or not they love us."

The journey continues...                  Namaste