Well here I am stuck inside on a rainy winter day and I  got to thinking.... (dangerous pastime I know) How many of us in recovery are still just going through the motions, not realizing the awesome second ( maybe 3rd, 4th,5th ,, and you know who you are) chance at life we have been given through our recovery.

But how many of us no longer think big or take risks ( I don't me chances)  or Love life (with a capital L)

Do we still know how to  dream or even dare to dream large. Do we still  have a 'never quit' attitude and go after what we want with a totally committed attitude? Or are we caught up in the daily grind and find ourselves going through the motions?

I got to thinking... life is so short that you got to enjoy each and every moment.

Look at your fears, laugh, then move forward. Accept responsibility for your actions. Try to learn to love learning, after all  it's about enlightenment, then you get to grow constantly.

Embrace the Journey willingly.

I got to thinking... Never say never. Think like a winner. Learn to love yourself, forgive yourself and be happy being who you are.

Surround yourself with positive messages and people. Like the many found here in the Realm ( wink ) Be in charge of your life, but let others be who they are. Be kind, think right about the other person, always expecting the best from them. Some are sicker than others. Often here online we forget they are still searching.

If you can't forgive, then  give a second chance. Learn to be effective, not always right.

I got to thinking...

Be the type of friend you would like to have. Make a difference to just one person, (online or offline) each and every day of your life, whether it be by a smile, a gentle touch, a kind word or a helping hand.

Learn to be flexible, few things are black and white and written in stone.  And above all, I got to thinking ... that people are much more important than things.

On a rainy winter day I got to thinking... how about you ?

On  a bright, snowy day, I got to thinking: All this PTSD stuff is getting to much for my head.  I don't feel like dealing with it is worth it. the only thing that releaves me of that feeling is creating art,  but I am to far gone in to apathy to make myself do it. 

I feel like I wont ever be happy or have passion or reason and I personal feel like there is nothing to live for. All the work I have instore for me with phsycho-therapy and general life difficulties, I knew I was thinking about the future instead of living just for today, but even ODAAT it didn't feel worth the daily struggle.  So much work to do, so much pain to deal with, so much depression and unfairness and loss, and many many good things that for some reason, I just could not feel happyness from, no matter how much I wanted to and tried.

 It's not a case of feeling sorry for myself, its the nature of my conditon wich was caused by the inhumane actions of others. I always do my best and reach out for help but I cant do any more than that.

 I only stay alive becuase it's the state I am curently in.  I know I have so much to be greatful for, so many people that care for me and want me alive and happy, I got through interferon treatment and I have kept clean but none of that amounts to the fact that life doesnt feel woth the effort, but dead is a state of existance that doesnt change where as life is a state that can and all I have is hope, not that my life will change, but the way I feel about it will. 

so there I was, face down on my bed, crying, becuase I feel no reason to live. Not that many tears would come.  

After explaining to Jason (the wonderful boyfriend) what the problem was, he repeted to me one of my own affirmations. It hit home and rang so true that I sat up and had to grab my charcoal to write it in big words on the bedroom wall so I don't loose sight of it again.  He then took a photo of me stood next to it, crying face and all, and it made me giggle.

http://tinyurl.com/mercyspic

Turns out this is a battle I'm not about to surrender to. I'm stuck between victim and survivor but plan to be a thriver. So on that bright, snowy day, I got to thinking that I will probably be OK.  

Just keep swimming