Hi , my name is Di and I am a SI'er who has been in recovery for 12 years. I never in my wildest dreams thought that would ever be possible. It was something I had done since I was 7 years old, it was a means to keep my sanity (sounds crazy but is so true) it was a survival tool. In my life then I needed a way to release emotions that were too powerful and overwhelming for my mind. I didn't understand it , and being in an abusive home I couldn't voice it either. Would never have said a word to anyone for fear of reprecussions in my own home, so it left me with one answer or solution. I had to be able to release what I was feeling and the only way I knew how was to SI.
AS I got older one thing lead to another and SI'ing wasn't enough, it didnt give me the same comfort it had before. So I found other destructive behaviours and as well discovered that booze was just what I needed to top off the SI'ing. Si'ing is a progressive disease just like all the other ism's out there. I had times in my life where my Si'ing was worse than other times, it all depended on what was going on at that moment. Never realizing of course that the original reason why I started to SI would follow me around until I actually verbally told someone about it, someone who could understand and not judge my actions but could validate WHY I had such a need to do this to myself.
My details of all that I did are not necessary to put down here, what is important I feel is to be honest and open about a subject that is scary for those that don't and can't comprehend the why's. For me it wasn;t about wanting to kill myself or die, it was a way to stay alive, to make sure I could feel SOMETHING because I had shut my body down, feelings and emotions were not allowed, but my spirit was still there all alone and I needed to do something to be able to conect with it. I had lost my faith in God , cause to me if there was a God, I would have not suffered all the abuse I did at the hands of my parents. That was my thoughts then , remember I was a child and we learn what we live and from others actions as well. Sad though isn't it, growing up thinking that love is being beaten or neglected. Anyways I know today that is not true .
How I stopped Si'ing is not a story I like to tell but one that might help you realize that there are times when "situations" are out of our control. For me I had a sick mind, and body and my perceptions had been so distorted over the years. I did not know or learn how to cope with life other than what I had taught myself and learned from my home life until this one day back in 1995 when I did SI but it was tooooooo much, I took it too far not intentionally but it did happen, I almost died  . I guess in some strange way it was a CRY for help, I couldn't do it this way anymore. The Si'ing the drinking it was all out of control, the memories and the actions had taken over and I had no idea how to stop them.It was out in the open now! It is then that I was referred to couselling and was on a long road to recovery. It took awhile to sort through where the SI'ing had all started, my upbringing, my parents, how I felt about it and that it was okay now to actually talk about it, in a safe environment, with someone who was trained to deal with people like me. It was a process that happened when I was ready and the fog had lifted from drinking all those years.
It was like reliving it all over again but this time what I was doing was validating my experiences and acknowledging what I felt . I cannot express to you enough on how this whole process helped me heal. I was embarrased, filled with so much shame and guilt and disgust too . All of what had happened when I was a child played a big part on how I was as an adult. My thinking process, how I interacted with others, how I let people treat me and on and on. My point is that it took awhile to unravel all of what needed to be healed and mended in a healthy way. Through counselling and the right channels as well as a hell of alot of reading and most importantly the DESIRE and WILLINGNESS to not SI anymore, but like drinking I could not do it alone. I had to be up front and honest with my thoughts no matter what they were. I had to stay busy , have a structured daily routine, and when the urge did come up to SI , I rocked and hugged myself alot and had a special music CD that I played or I would walk and walk and walk till the urge passed and I was mentally and physically tired..
All of it took time, patience and compassion from myself and those around me. I learend to distance myself from people who were toxic to me and that even included some of my family of origin. Today I can be civil and respectful to them however I cannot be around them or part of there lives on a daily basis. Sometimes there are moments when I fall back in my behaviours and it is then that I can see I am not taking proper care of myself and have gotten lazy with some part of my recovery.
Today I know I don't have to SI to feel, sure there are moments when things get crazy or I am overstressed in my life but I can honestly say that I don't need it anymore but that I know too we can pick up other habits that do replace it like not eating, neglecting our health etc they are all forms of self abuse and ya know I didn't relaize that until someone pointed it out to me one day because today I do tend to not eat when I am upset or angry hmmmmmmmm so as you can see I am still a work in progress. We do learn things everyday, it is what we do with it that counts. Recovery is a path to our souls and our hearts, one that I have found can never be taken for granted. If we continue to nurture it , it WILL continue to grow, so please never give up on YOU or your recovery, there will always be bumps in the road but there are always healhty soultions waiting if we are open and honest with ourselves and others.
((((((((((( Kim ))))))))))))) (((((((((( Hobie ))))))))))) ((((((((((( Ma'iing )))))))))) Thank you for opening up and sharing with us, I have great respect for the 3 of you and know how much courage that took as well.
* Always remember that kindness is the way to the soul *
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