HP's sense of timing is an interesting thing...
For me winter triggers a LOT of stuff and there are a few other things going on for me that have brought back some anxiety/panic reactions.
One bad one for me happened last week:
The winter wind was blowing outside and I was snuggled in bed, still frigid from being outside (I had just cleared and salted the drive so we could get out the next morning) - trying to nod off feeling some of those old feelings/memories. One of the cats clawed my hand, probably either playing or kneading, but for a moment I was back in my childhood and the image/memory of a rat trying to bite flashed and I reacted!
The cat got tossed, my wife got an abrupt awakening and it took me a while of self-talk, tiring to be mindful (takes a lot of practice for that one) and self-nurturing (as well as some from my Rue) to get me to calm back down.
At first I reminded myself where I was and that what I was going through was just a moment in my life and that it would pass.
That may sound funny to need to say that to myself, but in the childlike mind that is at the core of so much of my PTSD/depression hearing a message like that helps me get rooted in my "inner adult", where all those assuring, mature and sane messages and healthy actions have been etched by repetition.
I snuggled up to Rue, we have been through enough of my rough times together and we have talked about it to the point where she understands what is going on and how to deal with it. Having her there helps a lot even on those occasions where I'm too freaked to let her touch me (it's been a few years since one of those episodes).
Before her I had other comfort items, including a teddy bear that was given to me by a couple of sisters in recovery who were also Adult Survivors and understood.
I can macho with the best of them, I'm a submarine service vet, been on both sides of a gun, done all the hurrah crap I could.
Snuggling with a teddy bear was not easy, allowing myself to become that venerable/small too more guts than rock climbing or skydiving. But it helped. I still have comfort items, including the bear and a blanket Rue made for me. The cats (most of them at least) and 115 pounds of German Shepard make for great comfort items as well. I've spent many hours petting, sometimes snuggling, talking or just sharing space with my furry angels.
Sometimes if I can see what the trigger for the anxiety attack is I can look at it, talk about it with my sponsor, journal about it. Expressing the thoughts and feelings, especially with another human that understands, helps take the power away from the trigger and allows me to deal with the causes and conditions (sound a bit like steps 4/5?).
There are those times as well when I haven't a clue what has set me off, but even then just talking or writing about it deflates the power behind the attack.
Sometimes I will fill a tub with hot water, sprinkle in some of my oils (I love jasmine because it calms me, eucalyptus helps me breathe and cinnamon/cassia bark helps me concentrate. I'll climb in with a novel that can carry me away (I love epic fantasy and adventure) and let myself get lost in it. I might put on some tunes.
I drink warm teas, usually with honey, or slow sip spring water. Sometimes I'll eat a little comfort food, for me those include oatmeal, cream of wheat, raisins, fresh fruit, dark chocolate, and (believe it or not) sardines and black olives (if you want me to explain those post me and I will).
When I do eat them I take my time, being as conscious of what I'm doing while I'm making them, telling myself I'm doing it for me, that I'm worth it, that these are gifts of Creator and remembering good times I have and where these foods were a part of my life. I eat them slowly savoring the flavors, smells, tastes, textures and memories that come with them and allow them to carry me to another place.
I try to avoid sugar, artificial sweeteners, caffeine, high fructose corn syrup or other things that might make me more agitated.
When I would get hit in public places, (hasn't happened in a while) I grip my sobriety coin like an anchor, chant the serenity prayer, or distract my mind until I can get to a "safe place". I've had to pull off of the road, put on calming or soulful music (Janis is great for this for me) and occasionally make “that phone call” from the road.
Taking my inventory at that time, a full inventory helps. Identifying all of what I am feeling, sensing, thinking, remembering, experiencing... physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally... so that I can see what has me pulled out of balance or where I have a need that is unmet, is often key to me understanding myself and sometimes enables me to see a way to a solution, hopefully permanent, to my issue.
There are those times where the anxiety attack was too massive for me to do much more that hunker down and endure. If I can remind myself that I have survived dark moments in the past it helps. Praying, even if I feel like I'm just talking to the ceiling, will carry me through some of those.
One of the toughest for me was just letting go of it. Fighting the panic, fear, anger, memory, insecurity or what ever else is disrupting my serenity just seemed to give it all the more power, makes it last longer. Sometimes just sitting there shaking, crying or what ever else I was resisting vented the feeling and allowed me to move past it. But I needed to allow it to pass and not hang on to it (wow sounds like 6/7).
Many times I needed to take action to deal with the trigger. Set boundaries, tell/show someone I’m sorry, seek truths through research, learn something new, try something different… amend what I’ve been doing and what I’ve been living (8/9 anyone?).
There was a time I needed medication, took it under the direction of a Ph.D. for several years. I went to counseling.
Looking back to Ma's posts, if I did not have the help near me, I would have to seriously look at doing what I need to do to move closer to it.
One major part of it for me is doing the work I need to when I am not in a panic attack to grow stronger and get better in the here and now (10/11?). The time to pack you reserve chute is not after you’ve been pushed out of the plane! Do your homework!
For me there was a time my anxiety/depression overwhelmed me and I could no longer function. This came to a head when I was about 10 years sober. I did not pick up a drink or a drug over it (although there were moments where that was very possible). I did call people in the program and allowed Powers Greater than myself to take over. I let people in the fellowship carry me when I could not carry myself anymore, I went to the VA hospital, I worked with the P Shrinks and was as honest as I could be, I let my ego down so help could come in… and I prayed as if my life depended on it (it did). (1,2 & 3)
This is the most important part...
Through getting the help I needed, medically, mentally, emotionally, continuing to work the principles in all my affairs (and going back to learn how to just that) and experimenting to find what did and did not work for me and doing what I needed to get through it one day (sometimes second) at a time, I have gotten much better.
I do not have the panic attacks as often or as bad, I can deal with flashbacks my more effetely and they are losing their power over me, I can feel my emotions more clearly and they rarely overwhelm me anymore. There is hope and no matter what you are going through if you do what you need to go through it, instead of avoiding, controlling, or escaping it like I used to, it will get better. I am getting better. You can too. (Was this 12?)
your brother trudger
hobie |