: When Childhood Isn't Even a Memory

Frederick A. Levy LCSW

June felt strangely uneasy when friends shared their childhood memories. Somehow, she drew a blank when recalling her life before twelve, as though she had sprung into the world whole without parent or past. Stifling a shiver, she shrugged, shelving her attempts to remember.

Yet, sometimes at night, her dreams would carry her to a Hell beneath terror or hope. Bolting upright, screaming, she could still feel the faceless man inside her, as she helplessly tried to ward off the blows that struck her four year old frame.

Fumbling with the light, she heard her own tiny voice echoing through the past. And peering in the mirror of her memory, she saw daddy's gin-stained eyes glaring through the haze. Desperate, she prayed her streaming tears could wash away his face.

June, an adult child of an alcoholic, had suffered abuse that had wiped away her memory. Trapped in a bell jar of booze, she would flee to the secret shelter of her day dreams. Then, her memories would rise like smoke rings, disappearing in the breeze.

But a child of an alcoholic pays a price; what the mind forgets, the body remembers. Time may bring her mysterious physical symptoms, and "flashbacks" like a survivor of war.

Nightmares, "cold sweats," panic attacks, and sensations of sexual abuse may come without warning, as traumas from the past re-emerge. Lacking clear memories, she may secretly fear she is slowly losing her mind.

Driven, she speeds up her pace, with no room for rest or renewal. She cracks, "I can't relax; my tension is holding me together." Feeling hopeless, she longs for release from her treadmill trap. Caught in a silent scream, she feels an ache barely beyond the reach of a hand.

Excitement seeking can also charge her heart. Rescuing loved ones with kindred pain gives her purpose. Running through their revolving door disasters, she relentlessly seeks their solutions, but seldom sees her own. Depleted, she disappoints them, and stays a riddle to herself.

Gambling with money, sex, alcohol and drugs, or her own physical safety quells her fear with a rush of adrenalin. The thrill of the big bet, the next night out, or life risking chance can send her spinning like a junkie in search of the next score. And when she "comes down," she dies inside, waiting only for tomorrow to "jump start" her own dead battery.

Eventually, her lifetime rollercoaster ride leaves her battered, tired, and depressed. Broken, she despairs of finding an end to her pain and her gnawing emotional hunger.

But searching within herself may finally provide the path back to her life. Every feeling and body sensation tells a story; each dream can shed light on a memory locked inside her past.

As a child, her family discounted her feelings, thoughts, and perceptions. Today, she can learn to validate her own reality. Lending a compassionate ear to her "inner child," the adult bears witness to her suffering, and guides her through the pain towards lasting health and healing.

The adult child may find many ways to unlock her hidden doors. Keeping a daily journal of feelings, experiences, and insights, and a separate log of dreams, can help her recapture her memories.

Joining a support group, combined with a circle of loved ones and friends, provides safety and nurturance; therapy can give additional guidance and direction through the fragments of her past. The adult child need not recover every memory, but taking the steps to heal her abuse can lead to a life of recovery.

I am the opposite, I remember everything bad in detail just about wishing I could forget and remember very few good memories and wish I could remember those type instead. I know there had to be more good, but why I cant remember any baffles me.

This is a powerful but painful post to read and share on.

I started on my path of recovery by looking at my Adult Survivor Issues.

Along the way I have seen that some of the other events of my life, from both civilian and military life, have left the scars of trauma on me. Scars that needed healing.

When the memories, the pain and the shame began to emerge I knocked the back down with booze and painkillers.

I worked like a mad man, not just to be able to buy all the toys I could so I would look OK on the outside (to prevent any from thinking there was anything wrong with the inside) and to try to fill the role of “Provider”, which was what I thought I was supposed to be, but to avoid seeing the truth of myself and feeling anything I did not want to see.

When anything threatened to make me feel the things I ran from I raged, stomped, lied and, when necessary, ran.

But no matter how hard I ran, I could not run from myself. Things kept triggering my memories. The dreams would not go away. The feelings kept resurfacing.

I tried hard to put out the pain that has become the fire that forged my soul.

Eventually I knew I had to act or die.

I tried talking with counselors. Hell I’d been seeing them since I was 13!

But I could not trust any of them, how could I? I had never learned to trust.

Then I met others who were like me.

I did not need to hide my secrets from them. They openly spoke of My secrets because they were Their secrets! I did not need to hide my pain or my shame.

They already saw it and shared it.

As I began to open up about my truths I could eventually talk of my drinking, my drugging and all the other screwed up things I was doing to avoid being who God had created me to be.

Today, 16 years latter, I am still recovering from it.

I still have nightmares, flash backs, painful memories, angry feelings, moments of doubt and fear. I still have difficulty trusting God and other humans.

But I have come so far!

I can laugh, cry, love and be loved more fully than I ever thought possible.

When a flash back comes today it lasts only a little while and does not completely dominate my mind, body and spirit. They last only a short while and I am able to function again in minutes, maybe hours latter and am able to ‘process’ the flash back so that I am able to accept what happened TO ME (and no longer disassociate from it).

I am better able to accept the things that I did (and did not do) while trying to deal with this reality in my life (although I am still struggling with some regrets over what I did not do and, at times, still often see myself as a failure).

I also see that I chose this life of recovery, of sobriety. I chose not to stay a victim, a drunk, and a drug abuser.

I chose to stop using people, places and things to try to fix me.

I know now these were brave choices, choices worth feeling honest pride in.

I also see when I chose not to become a perpetrator, an abuser, as my father had been. I know now that there was a moral choice I made, and the fact that I could feel that humanity, speaks of the greater good within me. There is good within me.

God does dwell within my heart.

I still feel the pull of depression, the bite of regret, the emptiness of a childhood lost and many other losses.

And I know all too well how easy it is to sink back into that abyss.

I know as well that if I slip into that abyss, waiting for me is a drink, a bottle of painkillers and probably many other hooks to pull me ever deeper.

I also know that there is nothing I have done alone. That God, working through my family in recovery, the fellowship, thought that still quiet voice I find within me when I quiet the noise of my mind and the fear of my heart, has been there for me before I ever took my first step into the rooms of recovery.

I chose to not drink, not drug, today, to work my program of recovery today, to laugh and love all I can, today… For I know how far it has taken me since yesterday and I can only dream of how far it will take me tomorrow.

hobie

((((((( Hobie )))))))

Welcome to the site greek57, those emotions you are feeling are quite natural and I am sure also very overwhelming and frustrating.

I am not sure where you live but there are always people here in the chat room at night. The people here are wonderful and very supportive if you give them a chance.

I am truly sorry to hear about your son, but there are resources that can help you with YOU and how to deal with all that is happening . Come in and chat awhile and you will find that there are others here that can share there experiences with you, if anything it will help you deal with those emotions and your son too.

Until then please take good care and hope to meet you in the rooms.

(((((((((((((((( Hobie )))))))))))))))))))) thank you so much for your honest share and for being a part of this wonderful recovery family here.   "WE" can and "WILL" survive and grow from where we came from