From the beginning, we were dependent on adults to care for us. We needed to feel secure and protected; to be held lovingly, to gaze into our parent's delighted eyes and snuggle into their reassuring warmth. We needed our parents to be in tune and responsive to our needs.
As we grew older we gained more independence, yet we still needed to know our special people were there to listen to our hopes and fears, speak kindly, encourage our interests and help us cope with the demands of life.
For many of us, that kind of sensitive care is a far cry from what we received. As children we may have learned harsh lessons about disappointment, shame, rejection, violation or intimidation as we looked to those closest for comfort and received repeated indifference, disapproval, abuse or anger.
Challenging though it can be to acknowledge the hurtful, inappropriate events you suffered as a vulnerable child, it is also a significant step in the healing process - for we can't heal what we won't allow ourselves to know.
When I was growing up...
§ I was overlooked, ignored or neglected.
§ There was no support for my interests or school work.
§ My emotional or physical needs were not taken care of.
§ I was expected to take care of myself from an early age.
§ I was deprived of food.
§ A parent acted as though they didn't like me.
§ I was subjected to punishing silences.
§ I was accused of doing things I didn't do.
§ It was not safe to express my feelings.
§ I was belittled, called names or put down.
§ I was subjected to cutting criticism.
§ If I cried, I was ridiculed, threatened or punished.
§ I was the subject of cruel jokes.
§ I was forbidden to express my point of view.
§ I was forced to conform to an adult's harmful demands.
§ I was smothered or controlled by an overprotective parent.
§ The 'rules' at home kept changing without warning.
§ I was confused by denial, mind-games or lies.
§ I was frightened and confused by a parent's unpredictability.
§ A parent was extremely self-centred and demanding.
§ I was made to feel guilty for not supporting a parent.
§ I was given too much responsibility for caring for siblings.
§ I was made to do chores that were too advanced for my age.
§ I had to cope with a parent who drank excessively or took drugs.
§ A parent was unable to care for me because she or he was ill.
§ I felt embarrassed by a family member's behaviour.
§ Someone I was close to had a mental illness.
§ I told lies to cover up family problems and behaviour.
§ There were secrets in the family I had to keep.
§ I was forced to cope with many changes.
§ I experienced loss or grief that wasn't attended to well.
§ I was abandoned by someone close.
§ My sibling(s) were favoured over me.
§ I had destructive power struggles with a sibling
§ I was bullied at school or at home.
§ I hated school because I found it hard to cope.
§ Life was difficult because I had some form of disability.
§ I was humiliated or abused by a teacher.
§ I was frightened by someone's angry outbursts.
§ I was often on edge waiting for the next 'blow-up'.
§ There was sexual abuse in my family.
§ I was personally subjected to some form of sexual abuse.
§ My personal privacy was violated.
§ One or both parents used me as a confidante.
§ I was made to listen to one parent bad-mouthing the other.
§ I felt upset because I saw a family member suffering.
§ I was afraid that someone in the family was going to get hurt.
§ I tried to protect one family member from another.
§ Someone close was seriously ill or died.
§ I witnessed emotional or physical abuse.
§ I witnessed other distressing events without adequate comfort.
§ Someone used frightening stand-over tactics to make me conform.
§ Someone close treated me harmfully.
§ I was subjected to harsh physical 'punishment' or physical abuse.
§ I was sexually abused.
Having completed this checklist, you may be feeling somewhat overwhelmed. You may find it helpful to reflect on, or write about, the following questions or discuss them with a supportive person:
§ What has this checklist highlighted for you?
§ What new insights into your childhood do you have?
§ How are you feeling about your discoveries?
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