PERCEPTIONS
Children are often shamed for what they see and hear. They begin to mistrust their own sensory perceptions. Mother is crying. Her child walks in on her. "What's the matter, Mom"? the child asks. "Nothing," the mom says wiping her eyes, "go out and play." The child goes away mystified. The child feels scared. "I could have sworn I saw and heard her crying, " the child thinks. "There must be something wrong with me."
FEELINGS
Members of dysfunctional families are mystified, and part of their mystification is loyalty to the family don't feel, don't talk rules. The child is told over and over again, you don't really feel what you say you feel.
I remember watching a little boy waiting in the dentist's office. He was scared silly. His dad kept saying, "Are you a cowboy?" The little boy had a play gun in a holster on his belt and was wearing cowboy boots. When his dad asked if he was a cowboy, he said, "Yes Sir". Then his dad said "Well, real cowboys are not afraid!" The little boy looked confused and then even more afraid. If he could express it, he might say,
"Something is wrong with me. I know I'm afraid, but my godlike parent said there was nothing to be afraid of. Maybe I am crazy. Maybe I'm not even afraid! But I feel afraid. Something is very wrong with me."
I jokingly tell people that in my family if someone had a feeling, an alarm went off. Then a voice came over a loudspeaker saying, "There's a feeling in the dining room." The whole family would run to the dining room and stomp that sucker out! This was considered the right thing to do. Feelings were considered weak. "Don't be so emotional" was an oft-spoken phrase. When all the emotions are shamed, one numbs out. The numbed out state is a setup for addictions.
Once a person is numbed out, the only way they can feel is with their addiction.
DEPENDENCY NEEDS
As newborn babies, we are helpless and powerless. We need to depend on our source figures. We need them to hold us, touch us, and mirror us. We need them to feed, clothe, and shelter us. We need them to watch over our nutrition and health. We need them to empower and affirm us. These are needs we cannot get satisfied without a nurturing other. They are developmental dependency needs.
When any, some or all of these needs are shamed, the fundamental bond with our source figure is broken. The interpersonal bridge necessary for individuation and growth breaks down, and we feel we have no one to depend on. This is the cruelest cut of toxic shame. The belief that there is no one we have the right to depend on sets up for either isolation or enmeshment. If we choose isolation, , we build a false self that serves as a wall to keep others away from us. If we choose enmeshment, we build a false self based on what our source figures seem to want from us. Many of us go back and forth between these two false selves.
Paradoxically, dependency shame binds create a kind of bondage to our source relationships . Since we have never been allowed to separate and establish our own identify, we have no authentic self And we continue in our quest to get our source figure's love. This kind of bond is often reenacted over the course of a lifetime
......from "Creating Love" by
John Bradshaw.
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