THE SELF-DEFEATING ADULT

By Lloyd J. Thomas, Ph.D.

If you grew up in a family where alcohol was abused, alcoholism was present or sexual or physical abuse was a regular occurrence, you probably developed a self-defeating personality.

In order to survive growing up in a dysfunctional family unit,
children learn adaptive habits that are necessary for them as
children, but maladaptive or self-defeating later in life.  In a very
real sense, a child has to become sick in order to survive in a sick
family.  A child can become sick merely by imitation of those around him or her.  After all, he or she is dependent on adults to learn about how to be in the world.

Regardless of how the self-defeating adults got that way, the pain and frustration, fear and guilt, depression and anger that results from their self-defeating behavior, is almost intolerable, and usually unimaginable.

Some common behaviors of self-defeating personalities may include:

1.  The avoidance of, or sabotaging, pleasurable experiences.  The most familiar situation, in which the person knows how to function, is one of pain or suffering.  Therefore, he becomes anxious or uneasy when "things are going well," or when s/he "feels too good."

2.  They are attracted to relationships with people who will hurt
them or maintain their familiar level of suffering. They often find a partner who is as abusive as their primary-family member.  They often believe they can redo their childhood experiences and fix themselves in the process...an unrealistic hope that is never realized.  They are rarely attracted to anyone who genuinely cares for them or who consistently treats them well.

3.  They rarely let people help them and may even actively prevent others from helping them.  Help means they are weak.  Weakness means they may not survive.  Weakness means being vulnerable, or it can mean that pain or abandonment is forthcoming.  This is a common belief developed by children whose "helpful" parents were also the source of abuse, or abandonment, or extreme inconsistency.

4.  They often choose situations which are bound to lead to
disappointment, failure, or maltreatment, even when alternative
options are clearly available.  They do not trust themselves in a
positive situation.  They only know how to function in a negative,
painful environment.

5.  They may feel guilty, anxious, or depressed if they happen to
achieve a positive goal, develop a personal talent, or experience a positive personal event.  After all, such things don't happen or are just a fluke or coincidence in their self-defeating world.

6.  Self-defeating persons often provoke others to respond to them with anger or rejection, and then feel devastated (but "used to it" when the response they incited is forthcoming.  For example, they may micro-manage their children, and then feel awful when the children don't "turn out" the way they had hoped.

7.  They often engage in highly self-sacrificial activities.  The
martyr, who willingly sacrifices his/her own wants and needs in order to let others have what they want (and feel guilty for getting it).

If you have many of these defeating characteristics, it is time you updated your habit patterns to be more adaptive to what is happening in your life now that you are an adult.  Identify and challenge the beliefs you learned as a child, and from which you are functioning today.  Many of them are probably outdated and unrealistic to your current situation.

Learn to be gentle with yourself.  Allow others to care about you
without feeling you have to protect yourself right out of receiving that love.  Stop blaming yourself for your self-defeating habits.  You were never taught otherwise.  Become curious about new ways of behaving that will make you a "winner" in life rather than a "loser."

Allow yourself to heal from past hurts and emotional pain, by
forgiving yourself and everyone who ever hurt you.  Forgive them for your sake, not theirs.

Finally, learn to like yourself...the new self you are becoming now. You are out of the malfunctioning family from which you came.  You are in charge of your life now.  Don't continue to expose yourself to painful people.  Avoid those whose sickness is greater than your health.  Make your primary goal becoming a whole and well person, and go for it.  Having survived the worst, you deserve the best.