ANGER DYNAMICS AND PROGRESSION

  "My estranged father and I were to have dinner for the first time in years", said Kelly.  "I thought he might like to resolve some of the difficulties brought on by his alcoholism during my childhoood.  But when I showed up at the restaurant he was with a business associate so we couldn't talk about anything of substance.  I was fuming by the time I got home.  How dare he waste my time and turn what could have been a time for healing into superficial nonsense!

That s.o.b. never loved me and he continues to prove it.  He probably had this all planned to continue abusing me.  I'm never going to talk to him again and hope he drops dead".

   A minor irritation can esculate into significant rage.  How does this happen?  That small annoyance left to fester in your mind, replays itself over and over.  It grows with the accompanying self-talk that magnifies the perceived unfairness and sheer audacity of the other person's actions.  The volcano is ready to explode.  And what caused the anger in the first place holds little significance in comparison to the rage you're now experiencing.

   Alternatively, you could blame your lack of assertiveness or self-worth for letting this event happen to you and become depressed.  Those are two of the roads you can take, both bumpy ones that can cause you pain.  Who needs that?

Why not instead take a direction that can deepen your relationships and solve difficulties?  You can do this by using anger skills.  Before examining them, there are "anger dynamics" that should be understood.  Underlying the current occurences prompting  you to feel angry may be experiences traced to past traumas or disappointments.

Unresolved ACOA or CODA issues may be the cause of

unusually  strong emotional responses.  That's because energy or words from a current situation may remind you of similar but more intense situations from your past.  With that dynamic happening, sometimes we're not so intensely angry for the reasons we think.

   Next time you feel angry, look to your past and see if there's something contributing to the intensity of your emotional upset.  For example, if your girlfriend/boyfriend becomes overly affectionate in public after a glass of wine, you may be reminded of a time when your parent became promiscuous after drinking.  You associate today's actions with the abuse or shame you once suffered and react similarly.  Certainly if unresolved, what was done to you as a child can still cause you to react disproprotionately to an occurrence today.

   But when you recognize that most of the anger is coming from a past event, you can put things in proper perspective.  You may still have reason to be angry, but the intensity is more reasonable.

From the book,  "Transformation For Life" (Healing and Growth for Adult Children of Alcoholics and Others) by roland petit.

NOTE:  The above quote from the book demonstrates how

  something that happens today is not really about what

  is happening now, it causes a trigger in us, we associate this

  current event with similar feelings we experienced in the

  past events that were similar.