Many of us have been abandoned in childhood.  The abandonment by parents running away, a parent dying, never knowing one's father, being adopted out, a broken bond, divorce, separation, broken homes.  The abandonment also gets reenacted, the feelings of the abandonment keep reattaching to relationships.  Because of the original abandonment we:
  *  get into relationships with people who
      abandon us,
  *  feel abandoned even when we are not,
  *  abandon others before they abandon us.
  *  don't get close so people can't hurt us again
  *  avoid relationships altogether,
  *  join the cling-on race, hanging onto an
      inappropriate relationship,
  *  or become one of the people who love
      too much.
   We may stay in a relationship no matter how bad it is, for fear of the abandonment.  Unless we look at the original abandonment, grieve it, express the feelings and embrace reality, the abandonment keeps becoming recycled in our life.
 
   Some of us don't recognize abandonment in our childhood because our parents were present.  They didn't leave, they didn't divorce, we weren't adopted, we didn't lose a parent, we know who our parents are.  Some of us were raised in alcoholic families, work-addicted families, or families where the  parents were not emotionally  available and we experience the same abandonment.  For some of us the abandonment was repetitive.  Every time the parent got drunk, disappeared for a week, worked a second or third job, closed themselves off in their room with migraine headaches or depression, wee were abandoned.  he repetitive and more covert abandonment can have a more profound effect than being left. It also gets recycled in the feelings of isolation and loneliness the unavailability of the people around us in our adult lives.  Abandonment is the therapeutic "first thing" in the quote "First things First".
                               GUILTY AS CHARGED
 
Guilt can create obsessive reenacting which reinforces the guilt.  There is a constant wondering if we've make mistakes, said something wrong, weren't careful enough.  The guilt can be produced by obsessing about doing everything right or by hurting others  or not living up to our values.  Excessive quilting of a child creates an anxious guilt ridden adult, who often becomes  quilting towards their child.  Scrupulousness can recycle the guilty feelings.  Did I do it right say it nicely, hurt anyone's feelings?  Guilt can be a function of shane and is reenacted by being around quilting persons and systems, by self-doubt and questioning or by inappropriate behaviors.  Guilt demands expression just as anger or fear does.    We need to acknowledge and embrace what we are guilty of and what guilt has been projected upon us.
               ANGER ALWAYS MAKES ME MAD
 
   Anger gets reenacted by hanging around angry people, creating angry responses by our behavior or raging at those around us.  If a person has grown up with a parent who was angry openly or covertly, the tolerance level for abusive relationship becomes very high  We have an altered baseline tolerance level for anger and violence.  We learn to live with alcoholic rages, passive aggressive sarcasm, put downs and cutting remarks.  It's as though we become accustomed to this kind  of    treatment  The only immunity is in the noticing or being outraged by it,   or effectively taking the appropriate action to end it.  This requires dealing with  where it began.  As codependents, we didn't have much self-esteem to   start with and we dont notice it while it is being eroded. We didnt develop a sense of trust and confidence so each cutting remark slices off a little   bit more of what we could have had.  In the phenomenon of codependency, the victim of anger is clearly codependent. The bonded relationship to the abusive person fits out image of codependency.  The most difficult part of this to see is that the offender is often acting out their own victimization issues, low self-esteem, absence of boundaries and their inability to express their emotional reality in appropriate ways.  The angry offender is codependent as well.
  It may be possible for an offender to be anti-social and sociopathic to a point where the codependency doesn't apply.  I believe most of the offending behaviors are the absence if identity,  We reenact our own abuse and the bonding with aggressors in our lives by abusing and forcing others to bond with us in unhealthy relationships.  We need to see  co-dependency where it  exists, not where we think it belongs

 From the book " Broken Toys, Broken Dreams"