ACOA'S frequently stay in abusive situations. Abusers may be parents, employers, spiritual advisors, lovers, spouses, friends, sponsors or yes, therapists.

Abuse arises from a sick need, (frequently of someone who was also abused) to control, vent anger, boost a sick ego, or to stamp out signs of health, dissension, independence, love, kindness or joy--expression which the abuser resents or doesn't understand and may thus label as "weakness".

Abuse can produce effects similar to toxic drugs: borderline functioning, disorientation, loss of identity, depression, false confidence, no confidence, acted out anger, lying, self isolation, or shame. Other effects might be: to follow orders as if sleep-walking, (often against one's better judgment) or even to perceive the abuser as "wonderful", "my protector".

A common response to abuse in ACOA'S is to blame ourselves, often in a FIERCE Fourth Step: "dishonest, lazy, scattered, procrastinator, selfish, intolerant, spiritual midget", and on and on. In fact, all of these behaviors may frequently be necessary, to defend the psyche against further disintegration, in the face of continuing abuse.

SOME SUGGESTED SOLUTIONS/ALTERNATIVES:

• Listen to your Intuition, Higher Power, Inner Child: suspect that abuse is indeed happening if you hear rumblings
• Get outside validation that the abuse is occurring (meetings, therapists, etc) 
•  Gradually gather awareness and strength to put the abuse down
• Learn NOT to pick up abuse, as an addict learns not to pick up his drink, his food, his drugs, his work, his anger - one day at a time
• Prepare exit lines ("I have to call Chicago now"), and walk away from any situation which threatens to become abusive.

AS A RESULT, either: 

•  the abuse will stop
• or you'll be asked to leave
• or you'll CHOOSE to leave the situation, for good!

Any of these actions will be a step towards reintegrating your personality and living freely - and happily.