An important part of family of origin work is resolving our relationships. In Melody Beattie's Beyond Codependency book, she says the following...

 

Resolving our relationships with people in our families means acknowledging and releasing any intense feelings about family members so we are free to love and grow. That can mean running a gamut of emotions from denial, hate, rage, disapointment, frustration, rejection, disillusionment, wishful thinking, resentment, and despair to acceptance, forgiveness, and love. Many adult children wish curcumstances and people could have or would have been different. They weren't and aren't. And although our feelings toward family members and our childhood are valid, these feelings can block our growth if we don't resolve them.

 

We have our family of origin issues, and so do other family members. Often, our parents have more severe family of origin issues than what we do. In recovery, we learn to accept the darker side of ourselves. In family of origin work, we learn to accept the darker side of our parents too. We sometimes forget that our parents were people before and after they became parents.

 

Besides dealing with our feelings about family members, we learn to function in relationships with them, when possible. Some people have an easy time dealing with family. Some have a difficult time. Some have an awful struggle. For those of us in the last two categories, the solution means practicing self-care and basic recovery principles the best way we can, one day at a time. We can't change others, but we CAN change ourselves. We don't have to take other people's behaviors personally. If they have no love or approval to give us, it isn't our fault. They may not have any to give anyone, including themselves. Some say family of origin work means accepting that one or both of our parents didn't love us. Others say it means accepting our parents couldn't show their love for us in ways we wanted, but loved us the best they could, and maybe more than we thought.

 

Some people need to talk a break from certain family members until they (the recovering people) feel more equipped to deal with these relationships.

 

We go back to our families when we are ready. When we go back, we go back differently. We're not part of the system anymore. We have a new system of self-care, self-love, and self-responsiblity.

 

Also, just because WE have an insight doesn't mean other family members will be ready to hear or appreciate that insight. In fact, discussing our issues with them may trigger their defenses. We each deal with our secrets and issues when we are ready. The purpose of family of origin work is to benefit us; it's not to change other family members. The best way to help people, including family members, is to keep doing OUR own work.  

 

 

We go back to the house we grew up in. We walk around to each dark room, turn on the lights, and look around. We expose the secrets, the problems, the addictions, the messages, the patterns, and the feelings. We look at events and people. We look at roles and survival behavoirs.We see what we're denying today because we denied it yesterday. We see what needs weren't met yesterday and how we may still be reacting to that deprivation. Then after we've stared at our childhood and felt what we need to feel, we release our feelings. We let go, so we can appreciate what was and is good. We do this courageously, fearlessly, and with compassion - for others and for ourselves - when we're ready to do this.

 

 

We go back....and back...and back....through the layers of fear, shame, rage, hurt, and negative incantations until we discover the exuberant, unencumbered, delightful, and lovable child that was, and still is, in us.

 

Once we find it, we love and cherish it, and never, never let it go.