1 STEP ONE NarAnon Step One Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over the addict - that our lives had become unmanageable. Step One may be easy to read and easy to agree with, at least on the surface. We can freely admit to the fact that our lives are in real trouble. After all that is why we finally came to NarAnon. It may not be so easy to admit we are powerless, or that we cannot control and manage our own lives. We may say it is not so: "it is the addict that is out of control - if I could only change him, I could manage very nicely, thank you." We have tried all kinds of things to show them how wrong they are. It seemed so obvious to us! "If only he would decide to stop using. If only I could do just that one right thing to make him stop. But none of it works; he is so stubborn, blind, uncaring and cruel." If our lives were unmanageable, it was certainly not for lack of our trying! We have believed we were the only reason we have managed so long. After all, we have kept it together alone, all this time. The frustration and anger we feel clouds the issue, but slowly we begin to see that the parts of our lives that are unmanageable are not ours to manage. We are indeed powerless over the addict. All the manipulating and maneuvering has not helped. We cannot control and manage, because it is not our lives we are trying to manage. We must realize where our responsibilities end. We do not like it when our well meaning relatives and friends try to tell us how to live. Neither do our loved ones (addicts) like us to tell them. This is when we need to remember the NarAnon reading, "we didn't cause it; we can't control it and we can't cure it." The other part of Step One begins to become clear. We must let go of the addict's part. We only prolong their struggle by meddling. We must stop our crazy compulsive behaviour and let them dance with their addiction alone. We can stand back, without losing our love and compassion for them and "Not Do". It's OK, it doesn't cause a dramatic change, and it didn't change when we "Did" either. Some of our craziness leaves and we realize we feel a little better. All it took was inaction. Still, we feel resistance. The idea remains that perhaps we can "help" our addicts. We have not completely surrendered to the idea that we cannot stop their behaviour, but the prize looms there in front of us. If only we could let go of that nagging voice to "do" that one little thing that will finally make the difference. We have found the need for Step Two, and we can and do come back to Step One. It is a step that we may never put aside as completed. It is a tool to be used again and again. Try a little exercise with Step One. Substitute the name of your addict for the word addict and then read it through again in the first person. Then put another name in its place, and another, all belonging to people you have tried to change because you knew how they needed to change. Over and over say the lines. Do you see?                                 . Describe the circumstances that brought you to the Naranon program. 2. List your expectations when you attended your first Naranon meeting. 3. Now list the changes you are seeking today. Review this exercise from time to time to discover the healthy changes you are making in recovery. 4. List the ways you have attempted to change another person or influence another's lifestyle. 5. Go over the following list, noting whether you did any of these things (or others). What were the results of your attempts to change someone else? Save your answers and review them occasionally to see if you are still caught in a power struggle. lecturing nagging scolding waking someone up for school or work paying off debts making excuses for behavior lending money denying money threatening pleading rewarding showing anger using passive aggression grounding providing attorneys bailing out of jail 6. Record the things you have done or are now doing to support your denial that a problem existed or still exists. Review this exercise periodically. 7. Describe a specific instance when you attempted to control someone else's addictive behavior or the behavior resulting from such abuse. Write about the net results and the repercussions of this attempt. Then look at yourself: your motivations and your responsibilities. This exercise will tell you a little about yourself and a lot about your powerlessness when you try to control another person's life. 8. Can you now admit that you are powerless over drugs and other people's lives? How did this become a reality for you? 9. Describe what letting go means to you. Review this exercise from time to time. 10. Describe the things in your life that were once unmanageable. 11. Describe the things in your life that are presently unmanageable. 12. Which of these pertain to you and which concern someone else? 13. Can you now admit that your own life has become unmanageable? How did this become a reality to you? 14. How are you applying the principles of Step One at this time? You might gain some insight by answering the following questions. a. How often do you read and reflect on Step One? b. Does your powerlessness over another still disturb you? Why? c. How can you be powerless over another and still care? d. How does this step relate to our responsibility to yourself and others? e. Does this step mean complete rejection of your loved one(s)? f. In what ways has the awareness of your own life's unmanageability changed your perspective?

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