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herkittyness67 
Junior REALMite
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| 05/21/2009 9:27 PM |
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and beyond fustrated as we have a teen daughter in recovery from cutting and drug addiction, we have given up drinking in order to support her recovery, and she still feels I and my husband have a problem, we do drink on occassion, I have never lost work, money or gone into DT's because of it. It hurts me so much that i hve lost more work and time we need for her and have her not appriciate it I am hoping this forum will give us the support we both deperatly need. |
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susan lauren
Junior REALMite
Posts: 30
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| 05/24/2009 5:26 AM |
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Herkittyness67,
Have you and your husband looked into Al-Anon meetings in your area? If not, I would encourage you to find some meetings, go and listen, and ask for help. I needed to learn that I could not control the thoughts, feelings and/or actions of others. I could control, and I was responsible only for myself. In Al-Anon we learn to live our own lives and to focus on our own healing. We learn that addiction is a family illness. All the members of a family are affected, whether one is the alcoholic/ drug addict or one is the caretaker. (A drug is a drug is a drug; alcohol is a drug.) We learn detachment. We learn how to find peace and serenity, no matter what someone else is doing.
Only you can decide if you have a problem with alcohol. This site contains screening questions for alcoholism and for addiction, and you certainly could talk to your health care provider if there is an indication that such a discussion is warranted. Depending upon where you live, there are likely many "open meetings" of Alcoholics Anonymous in your area. A meeting locatoinc an be found on-line, or you can look in the phone book and call Alcoholics Anonymous.
Alcoholism is far more complicated than "lost work, lost money or DTs". One can be alcoholic without any of these.
I am an alcoholic; I have never lost work, been arrested for a DUI, gone into DTs, been in financial straits, etc., etc. What happens when I drink is that I have little control over the amount I take, and when I have wanted to quit drinking entirely, I have been unable to stop. After some days, weeks or months, I would pick back up again and continue to drink despite the impact on my physical and emotional health and well-being.
The keywords: loss of control, cravings, increasing tolerance and decreasing effect (i.e., needing to drink more for the same effect), and withdrawal symptoms (i.e., not necessarily full-blown DTs but these could be mild withdrawal symptoms such as shakiness, sweating, nausea, headache, insomnia, etc.). Additionally, one does not have to be a daily drinker to be alcoholic. One can drink "occasionally" and still have a problem with alcohol.
I started out as an "occasional binge drinker" but later progressed to "daily drinking." I was just as alcoholic when I was "occasionally binge drinking" as I was when I was "drinking daily". Also, there is a difference between alcohol abuse and alcohol dependence -- look on line and you will find more information than you have time to read.
You daughter may be right; your daughter may be wrong about you and your husband having "a problem". I know for myself that if someone says something to me that isn't true, I don't give it much futher thought. I don't worry or question the validity of what was said to me. I simply know my truth about the situation, I am not particluarly upset or concerned about what was said, and I move on.
Most individuals in early recovery are not particularly grateful. If you are expecting your daughter to be grateful for your efforts on her behalf, then you are setting yourself up for disappointment and for resentments. You might consider approaching the efforts you are taking on behalf of your daughter as being what is required of your husband and yourself as parents.
Your daughter is the "identified patient", but there may be other family dynamics that are going on in your home. Substances (i.e., drugs and alcohol) are not the only addictiive patterns one can fall into. There are behaviors and relationships that can be addictive too: workaholism, gambling, marital affairs, excessive spending, eating disorders, internet addiction, etc. If you and your husband have not sought out counseling, I would encouarge you to do so.
In my family, my father drank, my mother ate compulsively and worked compulsively, and I (as a teenager) became seriously depressed and I developed an eating disorder. I am in my 40's now and my parents are both deceased. My parents certainly were not perfect people. At some point, however, one learns to take responsibility for one's own life. My parents did the best they could given their own family histories and the many challenges in their lives.
I wish you both well. Susan Lauren
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alfee
Junior REALMite
Posts: 44
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| 05/24/2009 11:29 AM |
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there's a big difference in being hurt, and having a resentment... most times, if i have ill feelings that develop into further resentment... i can trace it back to something i did or didnt do that started the entire mess... with hurt it is different... a person can get hurt and be completely innocent... i know with my own drinking a drugging, i used the excuse for a long time that i was hurting noone but myself, and would live my life any way i choosed... that was so far from the truth... i hurt me and everyone that cared about me... i have 2 grown daughters that were spectators to all this insanity... they came out on the other side of my addiction alive and well... i am forever grateful that they don't hate me today. |
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