The legacy of a challenging childhood can be pervasive. It can colour our world, contaminate how we feel about ourselves, influence the way we think and behave, dominate our inner life and invade our relationships. If this is all we’ve known, we may blame ourselves for our difficulties rather than connect them to childhood adversity. This adds insult to injury.
As adults, some of the creative ways we coped when small may become the source of ongoing problems. Our constant vigilance can overtax our nervous system. Our ability to read other people can prevent us from tuning into ourselves. Apprehension and excessive caution can create distance in our relationships. People-pleasing can become exhausting. Rebellion can be alienating. What served us then can limit us now.
Recovery is about using our strengths as a positive platform for growth. Taking time to assess how we are doing helps to clarify the changes we want to make, but I know from experience there is nothing more overwhelming than reading long lists of symptoms. For this reason, these checklists focus on healthy coping skills and highlight growth and change. Hopefully this will serve as a reminder of the progress you’ve already made, as well as helping you identify where you’d like to focus your energy for future self-development.
The Emotional Legacy
§ I’m able to tolerate tuning into my feelings.
§ I’m free of emotional pain.
§ I can identify my feelings as they occur.
§ My overall stress levels are manageable.
§ I feel happy, safe and content.
§ I’m able to put my feelings into words.
§ I’m free of feelings of intense shame.8
§ I don’t feel guilty for things that are not my fault.
§ I feel relaxed and safe around people.
§ I trust myself to cope with my emotions.
§ I can move in and out of sadness without becoming overwhelmed.
§ When I’m upset, I handle it well.
§ I have safe, respectful ways to express my anger.
§ Something I’m particularly proud of about my emotional life is...
§ One goal for healing and growth I’d like to set is...
The Behavioural Legacy
§ I don’t feel the need to strive to win people’s approval.
§ I go at a gentle pace nowadays.
§ I’m comfortable asking for any help I need.
§ I realise I don’t need to be a perfectionist
§ I’m aware when I’m becoming tired and stop to rest.
§ I’m able to say ‘no’ when I want to.
§ I resist helping others when I’m depleted.
§ I’m able to create pleasure and fun in my life.
§ I take responsibility for any destructive actions I do.
§ I resist the urge to over control people and situations.
§ I’m able to discipline my children without becoming abusive.
§ I treat people with respect and kindness.
§ Something about my behaviour I’m particularly proud of is...
§ One goal for healing and growth I’d like to set is...
The Relationship Legacy
§ I have people in my life I can trust.
§ I’m able to relate in a healthy way.
§ I can tell those I care about how I feel.
§ I feel safe to let other trustworthy people see my vulnerabilities.
§ My relationships are relatively equal in terms of give and take.
§ I’m sensitive to the feelings of others.
§ I’m able to respect my own and my partner’s need for space.
§ I have very limited tolerance for control or abuse in relationships.
§ I’m able to recognise and protect myself from destructive people.
§ I can resist repeating destructive patterns in my relationships.
§ If I feel over-dependent or possessive I can calm my fears.
§ I’m able to say ‘no’ and stand my ground when I need to.
§ I have developed a strong support network.
§ I’m able to enjoy a safe sexual relationship.
§ I don’t behave destructively or abusively toward those I love.
§ I’m able to resolve conflict honestly in my close relationships.
§ Something about my ability to relate I’m particularly proud of is...
§ One goal for healing and growth I’d like to set is...
The Physical and Mental Health Legacy
§ I know how to take care of myself if I feel down.
§ My mood is generally optimistic and stable.
§ I take good care of my physical health.
§ I have a reasonable body image and healthy relationship with food.
§ I’ve developed skills to help me cope with anxiety.
§ I’m more relaxed and less jumpy than I used to be.
§ I’m bringing my obsessive or compulsive behaviour into balance.
§ I sleep soundly through the night.
§ I’m gentle with myself when I’m unwell.
§ I do not use excessive alcohol, food or drugs, to cope with stress.
§ My body feels relaxed and pain free.
§ If I start to feel spaced out, I have the skills to become grounded.
§ I attend therapy if I need to.
§ If I have suicidal thoughts or impulses I seek help
§ Something about my ability to care for myself I’m particularly proud of is...
§ One goal for healing and growth I’d like to set is...
Excerpt from Challenged by Childhood: Healing the Hidden Hurts of a Difficult Childhood, written by Kay Douglas (2006).
|