I want, by understanding myself, to understand others. I want to be all that I am capable of becoming…. This all sounds very strenuous and serious. But now that I have wrestled with it, it’s no longer so. I feel happy----- deep down. All is well.

~Katherine Mansfield~

Because we have learned so much, finding the courage to be ourselves may be easier for some of us now than it was fifteen years ago when I began writing the first edition of this book. Easier because many women are reveling in a greater sense of personal freedom and embracing a more expansive vision of themselves.  While we can still fall pray to fears and beliefs that limit us, we have also become more psychologically aware and therefore better able to understand, move through, and overcome challenging feelings and circumstances.

That’s the good news. The flip side is that finding and sustaining the courage to be ourselves continues to be a challenge from many women, myself included. Why is it so darn hard? One of the main reasons is that many of us were weaned on subtle and no-so-subtle innuendos regarding a “woman’s role” and, as a result, were well trained to put ourselves last, if at all. Old, familiar habits and expectations such as these are not easily or quickly changed. Another deterrent to authenticity is the seemingly endless and ever expanding demands upon us. Over-commitment robs us of the time, energy, and interest necessary to ponder who we are and what we want or need.

It’s true, we women are becoming increasingly independent and strong while continuing to love and support our friends, families and communities. Ironically, the difficulty of being ourselves continues to be a common topic among women. Why do we so easily give ourselves away by doing more than we’re comfortable doing? Why do we often succumb to the habit of devaluing ourselves and putting ourselves down? While no one is totally immune to the charm of outside approval, many of us are periodically mystified by the seemingly tenuous stability of our self-esteem and emotional well-being.

Most of us have spent a lot of time and effort redefining ourselves and discrediting inhibiting stereotypes. Given our hard and dedicated work to improve our feelings of self-worth, why is it so hard to hold on to a belief in ourselves when people react less than positively toward us? What causes our emotional strength to ebb away on the face of disapproval? Why does it take such effort for us to express what we really think and feel?

Faced with speaking my truth, especially if I fear it will lead to rejection of either myself or my ideas, often causes a lump to clog my throat and a heavy weight to settle on my heart. Am I a slow learner? Am I actually afraid of equality? Worse yet, am I an imposter?

No, I don’t think so. And neither are you.

As the saying goes, we’ve come a long way. However, our training and socialization to accept second-class citizenry runs deep.  And why wouldn’t it? For millennia women have suffered punishments, ranging from denial of affection and support to being burned at the stake, for “stepping out of their rightful places.” Given our history, it makes sense that a deep-seated fear of speaking our mind, being ourselves, and living our dreams is woven into the very fabric of our being. We now have the unprecedented opportunity to courageously recreate and reweave our lives and, consequently, the lives of our daughters and granddaughters.

Granted, many societal and individual assumptions are very different than they were a decade ago when this book was first published. However, under the seemingly solid ground of respect and equality that women have earned often lurks a quagmire of lingering patriarchal attitudes and desires.

Laura and Dan’s story is a good example. As a young couple, their roles were traditional. Laura stayed home with their three children while Dan worked to support the family. When the children left home, Laura wanted to return to her career as a home decorator.  Dan was all for it, or so they thought.  Laura said to me, “You know, Sue, I believed him when he encouraged me to take the necessary classes and resume my career. So I was confused and angry when he put blocks in my way. First, he upped his requests for me to do errands for him, like going to the bank and cleaners and picking up stuff for his business. Then he had a series of little accidents and needed me to care for him.” With a sigh, she continued, “I finally got it and asked him if , deep down, he resented my working. He denied it emphatically. But when he complained about never getting a good meal at home anymore, I knew that what he thought about my working was not what he felt!”

Luckily Laura and Dan have been able to work through this passage in their lives and consequently understand themselves and each other better. Dan was eventually able to see that, although he really wanted to support Laura’s choice to work, he’d had a good thing going with a stay-at-home wife and felt abandoned when those perks diminished.

Change is hard for us all, men and women alike.

In fact, I have great compassion for both sexes as we weather the inevitable storms that accompany a change in paradigm. Thankfully many societies are now immersed in the process of converting from a patriarchal to an egalitarian paradigm. More simply put, we’re transforming the model of “Top Dog/Bottom Dog into Equal Partnership. In order to create and sustain these new cultural patterns we women must confront our own fears, including each tenacious tentacle that strangles our freedom to be ourselves. Not an easy task.

It’s not easy for men or Top Dog--based organizations to adapt to the current necessary changes either. At the onset, women’s increase in self-esteem and emotional strength can easily be perceived as a demotion in power and position to those accustomed to the loftiest perches on the pedestal. I clearly remember my husband, Gene, pensively lamenting, “I liked it the way it used to be!” That years-old memory makes me smile now. Then I wanted to snap, “Yeah, right! I’d like to have a wife like me, too!”

The beauty of finding the courage to face our fears and become ourselves is that everyone eventually wins. As an example, Gene and I are both happier as co-creators of a partnership than we ever were when he was the undisputed Top Dog. For me, life in general becomes sunnier and more fulfilled in direct proportion to my ability to overcome the hesitations I have about expressing my true self. Of course, I still struggle with certain fears, and I suspect that will always be true. But as I develop strength and confidence, my fears become much more manageable and far less paralyzing.