to be quite honest, i'm not sure how i've stumbled upon this website. i've read through some posts and i somehow feel comfortable enough to say something about myself. i'm embarrased, ashamed, and i don't even know where to start... 

i've been doing drugs since i was 12. i started out just drinking and smoking weed. i guess i started so young because there was a lot of pain in my childhood that i never wanted to talk about. it didn't take long for me to start taking pills too. hydrocodone, oxycodone, ambiens, ecstasy, lortabs, xanax, dextro amphetimines, uppers, downers, everything. i've done so many pills i can't even name them all. by the time i was 14 i was taking ecstasy every day. and not just ecstasy, i would chase it with dextro amphetimines and cough syrup, liquor, anything. anything at all. everything at once. i just wanted to numb myself. also, at 14 was the first time i took pure lsd. i've taken mushrooms. and these funny little hallucinigens called hawaiian baby woodrose seeds. they tasted like shit, but eat 8 of them and you'll puke within the first hour, then comes the trip. december of that year i had had enough with my life, i tried to kill myself. it didn't work, i was admitted into rehab after that. i was doing pretty good for a month. then they decided to let me be an out-patient, terrible idea, i relapsed and was re-admitted. after i started to build myself back up from the relapse, they decided to let me be an out-patient again. i cut myself, and was re-admitted again. it was a rollercoaster. doing good again, they gave me one last shot at being an out-patient. naturally, i relapsed again, and i never went back. all the while, every time i was out-patient i was constantly drinking cough syrup, which i stole from the cvs by my house. it didn't show up on a drug test. i've always tried to find ways to get high without anyone having to know.

lately i'd calmed down with the drugs. i was just smoking weed, until i got arrested a few days ago for possession of marijuana. for me, only smoking weed and drinking every so often is as close to sobriety as i'm capable of being... i hate feeling so dependent on weed in particular, since everyone says it's not physically addictive. since i got arrested i've had a lot of trouble getting to sleep and eating regularly. it's nothing compared to the withdraws i've gone through before with other drugs, but still, it's not something i can just set down and walk away from.

i've been to NA, i've tried sobriety. i don't mean to insult anyone, but i've always viewed it as kind of... a joke. it just doesn't make any sense to me. maybe i'm just helpless.

i feel pathetic, i feel alone, and i don't know what i'm doing here... but here i am.