well, i guess i can start by saying that as a recovering addict myself, i guess all my insight to the subject still isnt enough to help me with this... so i am coming here, the one place i have been told that people listen and understand and WANT to help so i suppose i should give you the general story first... i have been sober from booze and cocaine for about 6 years now. my sobriety was influenced by my loss of my home, my marriage and children, my job and everything and anything that meant something to me. even though i was able to stop, my marraige still ended in divorce and i had to work my way back up to everything and it was one hell of a bumpy road. shortly before my divorce almost 5 years ago my father very unexpectedly commited suicide by putting a shotgun between his eyes with little more than a note saying "i am so sorry, please forgive me for being such a coward,i love you all very much, i just cant do this anymore" and that was that. if there was ever a time that i wanted to just crawl into a bottle and drink and snort myself to death it was then. im not really sure how i didnt do just that. i was able to refrain and stay away. still to this day i am sobbing while typing that. it was by far the worst thing i think i could ever feel next to losing a child which i can not even try to imagine. my wife up and disappeared with our son (as she had done 3 times previous to that) about 2 months later with no contact for months untill i recieved divorce papers in the mail at my mothers house where i was living. again, i dont know how i stayed clean, maybe it was the underlying idea that if i didnt i was going to kill myself because what else did i have to live for? ive lost everything... it took almost a year for things to be final in court. about 3 months after that i met emily, which aside from my kids being born, she was the greatest thing to ever happen to me. we had both come from terrible, abusive and destructive long term relationships and were to the point in life that we knew what we did and did not want, turns out that was each other. we quickly fell in love, within a year got married and have hardly left each others side. we have an incredible, loving and deeply connected marriage. i could not have been more lucky to find her and she says the same about me.neither of us would be where we are today without each other. she is 5 years younger than i am, when she was barely 21, she graduated nursing school with honors and landed a position nearly impossible to obtain at a very high profile hospital. cleveland clinic hospitals are one of the top 3 hospitals IN THE WORLD and emily was working there straight out of nursing school. pretty impressive, id say. well it wasnt quite a year into her career she ruptured 2 discs in her far lower back that nearly paralyzed her resulting in surgery and years of therapy, incredible pain, the torture of being stuck in bed all while in an abusive realtionship with another addict. this was the segway for vicodin. a LOT of vicodin. which has plagued her for years up until last summer when fearing she was going to run out before her Rx fill date, took some from the med cart at work. all those years of working her way out of that relationship, back to being able to work as a nurse, all the way back up that long ladder only to have vicodin pull that ladder right out from under her and sent her crashing down to rock bottom. they say you cant truly work back up until you hit rock bottom... well she hit very hard. we had just bought our first home 3 months prior and i was only 2 months away from getting full custody of my son when she got caught. she was looking at felony jail time, loss of her nursing liscense and every bit of work she had done for almost 10 years. she had come so far, we had come so far, only to crash and burn in spectacular fashion. within 3 days she voluntairly entered the treatment program at Glenbeigh, a "recovery hospital" where she spent about a month. her detox was what the nurses and doctors said was one of the worst they had ever seen. she was lucky to be alive. when you go into a place like that you instantly stop all meds you are on, including anti-depressants. for those of you who dont know those are a drug that is highly dangerous to stop without weeks of weening off first. that combined with the crippling pain of her back and no pain killers, she is lucky not to be in a wheelchair, in a padded cell or worse. it broke my heart to see this happening to her but i knew it was for the best because the only other option was going to end up being me having to bury my wife. i stuck by her every second, every week when visitors were allowed i was the first to get there and the last to leave and the day she was released was one of the greatest days i had ever felt. she made it! shes alive! she is going to be ok! i didnt lose the woman i love so dearly, the woman that helped save ME from certain self destruction! she IS coming back to me, to our home, to our bed, our couch, our yard, our pets, our life. yes, there will still be a long road to full recovery but shes coming back. i was so close to losing her, she was so close to losing herself, her family almost lost their daughter and baby sister, she was "this close"..... but she is here... finally... at home... in my arms..... we are going to be ok.

well, i would have never expected her to be as strong as she has been. even the thought of a pain pill or a beer makes her sick to her stomach. the very things she couldnt function without now make her feel disgusted at the very thought, i couldnt be more relieved, more proud. but wait a minute, whats this nagging little feeling? what is that? these thoughts that are starting to randomly peek out? "wait a minute, if she was high and/or drinking the majority of the time, is THAT what our realtionship is really based on?" nahhhhh, thats just my own insecurities from the way my ex broke my trust repeatedly, nahhhh, everything is fine... "but shes not acting like herself, and all these meetings and new people..." no jim, its part of addiction and recovery, she is gonna act "strange", cut her some slack..."she is pretty irratible at home and only seems to be happy at or right after these meetings, is it possible that maybe she is starting to question our relationship based on her being high or drunk? she is a new person now, am i who this new person really wants to be with? i bet there a lot of men in this program that are verrrry understanding. and caring. and supportive. and who have been there. she IS a very beautiful woman." NO! NO! NO! NO! this cant be the case!!! she loves me, i am her husband and that means the world to her, the fact that i have stuck right by her side through all of this! NO! GODDAMN IT, I HAVE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT! EVERYTHING IS FINE! "of course thats what she is going to tell you, do you think that she is just going to come out and say yeah, im sooooo into this guy, HE understands me like you never could, thats why i seem so annoyed by you, because i can screw him in the back of my car or at his house when you think im at a meeting, were having a REAL connection, something that you dont understand because were the same, were part of the program, youre not one of us and now ive gotta come home to YOU, jesus christ im so irritated that i am stuck with you" AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! IF I COULD DIG THESE THOUGHTS OUT OF MY HEAD WITH A KNIFE I WOULD!! i have to remember that at the same time, this isnt the woman that *I* married either, do *I* have to re-evaluate where this new emily stands in my heart and mind? well, i did. and she sits higher than ever in my heart. i dont think i could love someone more. sure these kinds of feelings are to be expected, thats why there are support groups for family members, for just such issues. ok, shes your wife, man, you need to trust her, she needs you and she needs you to be 100% there for her. but ive seen what trusting someone can do, the indescribable rage when you find out that the woman you love was so good at pulling the wool over your eyes and you slept in the same bed together and you had nooooo idea that just the day before some other GUY WAS F***KING YOUR WIFE!! AAAAAAHHHHHHHH I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!!! she was so good at lying to me about pills she could so very easily bullshit me about THIS?!?! ok, jim, you need to stop, your trust issues and insecurities are gonna really screw this whole thing up. cman, man, youre so damn good at stuffing your feelings inside and pretending everything is ok, why cant you do it now, time WILL tell, you KNOW she loves you, you KNOW shes strong enough to resist any random thoughts or emotions about other men and what things would be like with someone who was in the same boat, youve PROVEN your worth to her as a husband, juuuuuuuust reeeeelax. she is NOT sarah. now knock it the f*** off.... i am. i am doing my very best, i apologized and explained my thoughts and she says she understood. it took some pretty intense arguments at times but she knows you love her and you know she loves you and theres nothing to worry about. but wait...i think there is... over these last 8 months, do you know what i am seeing? i am seeing my wife trade one addiction for another. she has found another crutch that she refuses to believe is an addiction. an addiction with a foolproof defense, this is all for the best so how can it be bad? it cant. dont you DARE question anything about it. if i do i am told that i am attacking her, that i dont understand, that i am selfish and uncaring..... wait a minute, those were her EXACT SAME RESPONSES to me telling her a 6 pack every night was too much or that i can tell she took something other than vicodin, when i got upset because she put her car in park at 25mph because she saw a puppy she wanted to take home... she is using the default responses of an addict! whats the addiction? the program and her sponsor. she has fallen into such and over-dependence that she seems to think she cant live a single day without it. if she does, THAT is her excuse for her behavior, "i need to go to my meeting"... she now has an excuse, an excuse that can be backed up by the fact that its all for the right reasons. how can i respond to that? she is blind to the fact and completely unwilling to accept the idea that she has become overly-dependent...and now i have come to the indisputable conclusion that the meetings/sponsors themselves are a substitute addiction. my wife was a heavy drinker and vicodin user (among other rx drugs) and now when i question anything in an effort to understand she reacts EXACTLY like she did when i used to tell her that she was drinking too much or taking too many pills. its the addicts defense mechanism: i dont understand, i am attacking her, etc... she has become so dependant on her sponsor and meetings that she cant seem to function without either one. her sponsor is about 25yrs her elder and even though she is a nice lady, she has my wife sucked into her life because the poor woman is lonley and bored (not to mention cant drive herself anywhere) and the meetings are very intent on teaching her that addiction is a LIFETIME DISEASE THAT SHE WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO ESCAPE which in turn keeps her running back every single day with hope promised but yet nowhere in sight. its like a very strong influential church type thing how some religions suck you in and brainwash you. sure their "intentions" are all based on good, but see, that is their default defense. how can you argue with something thats trying to make things sooooo right? well, i think it is the manifestation of true addiction. what i mean by that is a pill addiction for example is like a parisite, it will take you over and make you think and believe even the most crazy thoughts in its favor, the addicted person is the host, the vehicle, the puppet and that person is blinded to those strings that are attached to them, making them dance for the addiction. well what do you do when the person is sober from their fix but strung up by "the program"? their is no recovery from what is supposed to be the recovery. yes, i can see the benefits of some of what they teach being a recovered addict myself BUT not the WAY they teach it. there is this overshadowing reminder that this "disease" will never go away and they will be forever haunted, they are and always will be this horrible thing, this ADDICT... why not encourage them and reinforce that they are SOBER or RECOVERING addicts? why not put a positive spin on things? i will tell you why, if they did that it would be far more effective and free that person from their dependance on "the program" in turn making this program seem far less effective because then people wouldnt need to go every waking moment. i am what apparently they say is a one in 10 million people, i beat my addiction to alcohol and cocaine on my own, driven by positive points of view and determination, without support groups ans sponsors and meetings. they tell her that my case is soooo rare, etc. basically saying that well some get lucky but everyone else NEEDS "the program" because without it they are surely doomed. the very thing that is intended to help has pulled her back into the zombified and overly-defensive state of dependance that she was before she sought "treatment". so now, like before, everything said by me is seen by her as an attack, as if im trying to take something from her that keeps her alive, the addicts defense. it is all because of my lack of understanding. she tells me that if i would go to these meetings then i might understand, then if i came away from that with the same point of view, THEN what would be my "problem", would i still "not understand"? im sure it would be something. when she was high and drunk, the fact that i was once addicted wasnt enough to "understand" so im sure there would be something, something to justify it in her mind, some reason or excuse. AA/NA itself might help an addict but it does so by SUBSTITUTING ONE ADDICTION FOR ANOTHER under the premise that "hey, it could be worse"... well, before this we both worked and were financially comfortable but now she is being held captive in this weakened state so she is "not ready" to go back to work yet and still spending litterally thousands of dollars in gas in the past 8 months to drive 45 minutes one way every single day to get her new fix. what would cause a person to spend money that they couldnt afford like that? addiction would. this addiction is keeping her bound in unemployment, a lack of self confidence and dependence that is effecting everything and everyone around her but as an addict, she refuses to see and/or hear anything about it. as a small business owner i am going to be forced to give up MY goals and MY dreams and throw it away having to return to factory-type work just to keep up on her gas spending, but how dare i mention that because there is this promise of hope that everything will be ok. there is this basis that "the program" is designed to set you free and help you fly yet is dead set on reminding you that if you leave this cozy little nest, youre in trouble, you weak, helpless little addict. so all-in-all, to answer you original question of do addicts replace/substitute addictions... absolutley. my crumbling marriage and family is proof of this.

it would be foolish of me to think that the program has no benifits to her or anyone else and im not saying that but what am i supposed to do when i see that she has fallen into another addicted comfort zone? the only rock bottom she could hit on this kind of addiction would be to lose her husband... what kind of selfish jerk would that make me to even consider that as an option? its not pills and booze, right? its not something that is going to kill her, is it? she says it is for the best and its all to make her a better person and make our life better... but how long can i just stand by and be #2 or 3 in her life to the meetings and her sponsor? maybe i am selfish, maybe i just really miss being the apple of her eye, i feel shorted and robbed of the love of my wife. she is stuck in this comfort zone of just being able to put real life aside and even though she says otherwise, she will be stuck here forever unless she can be "prodded" into leaving this comfort zone and giving life another shot. im not saying that she has to quit, not at all, but you cant just live in this wonderland of ok, now instead of a job and the career that shes worked so hard to have and getting mad because im not making enough money and make going to meetings your life. what she does with her day. making her sponsor her first priority, does she need to go to the store or the salon or here or there or whatever her heart desires.... what about what MY heart desires? what about those days when i beg her to just stay home and hang out with me, maybe cuddle up on the couch and watch a movie just to spend time together. why does getting up early and going to a meeting everyday suck all the life out of her to where she never has the energy to do anything past fall asleep on the couch? but see, the tricky part of the whole thing is, i CAN NOT SAY A DAMN THING about any of this because the second i do... she flips the switch. the walls go up and the claws come out and everything i say, do and feel is seen as an attack because i question her being in that comfort zone. the addicts defense. i can cry and beg and plead with her, litterally, and im "treating her like this" or "attacking" her or i simply "dont understand" which my greatest fear is that her blindness to what im really trying to say is going to drive her further and further form me, its going to push her from me and who knows, maybe into the arms of someone who "DOES UNDERSTAND" or maybe just simply away.... i came so close to losing her... i got her back... and now it feels as if she is slipping away again all because i just want my wife back, i want her love and attention back, because i want her to love me like she used to, i want her to see that i just want to matter to her again...