My name is Evie and Im 28 years old. September 2006 I found myself quitting drugs. I was 6 months pregnant with a baby girl and had a boyfriend whom had moved in with someone who could get him higher than I could. Anyways, hospital trip, they found out I was pregnant and high.. I didn't realize at the time I was quitting, that it would be my last high and it wasn't. I had to mess up a few more times after I gave birth to a wonderful, healthy baby girl. Yes, I messed up a few more times with something else, and told myself I was staying clean. Wrong! Well, now I've been clean since July of this year. I tried rehab before I got clean and walked out during a cocaine anonymous meeting.. go figure. I believe for me the hardest part is learning to forgive myself for all the hurt i have caused others and myself I guess but I don't think about how bad I was hurting myself, its everyone else I think about. My mom, my children, all the people who loved me and wondered if the next time they saw me would I be alive or dead. The shame is pretty tough too. I have alot to make right and I don't even know how to start. My son is almost 8 years old now and he remembers alot of bad things. My daughter just turned 1 years old and I feel like I've been given another chance and I keep telling myself don't screw it up. My mother has custody of my son, and I have custody of my daughter. That ever present reminder of how badly I screwed up back then. I don't have to anymore and I don't want to. I wasn't even living back then, that was NOT living. I don't know what you would call it. I'm still ashamed to say alot of it out loud. Well, I really don't know what else to say here except I can't say I've done alot right in my life but I can say this decision to get clean and stay clean is the best decision I ever made and I intend to stick to it. |