Hi again fellow realmites.  I just finished posting to the thread I began re my son.  Thank you again, for sharing your stories.  Ya know, I posted my experience of loss due to addiction and I need and want to hear from other's  (so hard to ask for help, ya know?) who have felt the sting of pain due to loss during recovery.  I know we probably all have lost someone since we have been in recovery.  I often wonder just how did you get through it?  See, I honestly don't want this to be all about me, and I am asking for help.  I am so darned angry at this disease. It does not discriminate.  I hear a lot in our meetings that this disease kills, and i used to think "how bad is it really?"  now I see what I was doing was 'minimizing'.

I know my path to recovery was a process in and of itself. 

Allow me to share:  Towards the end of my drinking, I had done the usual things most alkie's do, you know, wreck cars, get Dui's, at death's door, came to in Intensive Care, yeah the usual.NO!!!! I was headed toward death.  I recall one night sitting in a bar and I felt so alone.  I recall so clearly asking the God of my understanding aloud (boy they must of really thought I was a whack job and I was) "So this is it God? I am destined to be a drunk the rest of my life huh? I am going to die a drunk aren't I God?"..............I didn't really think God heard me. I was just another drunk on a stool.  But that night, He heard me.  What I was not saying.  I did NOT wanna die that way. 

And what began to happen shortly after that?  People around me began to die!  Due to their disease.  I barely knew any 'normies' but still I never connected the dots.  I lost a dear friend who collapsed on the bar floor from a stroke, and he never recovered, he passed.  Not even one week later, one of Daniel's best friends committed suicide, Dan never did get over that, he believed it was his fault.The young man hung himself and his baby sister found him.  When his mom read his goodbye note in the church I was devestated.  He used to come to my home.  My hubby carried me out of the church.  I could'nt imagine what his mom was going thru, although I watched her , very closely. She did not shed one tear. I found that odd.  Not too odd cuz perhaps 2-3 months later, she was committed due to depression.  Lastly, my hubby's cousin died 2 days before his 19th birthday due to oxycontin and xanex combo.  He was found bleeding in his bed, the girl who was with him, came into his home (he lived w/his parents) and rolled him over to retrieve her car keys and never said a word to his parents, although he was in serious condition then and she knew it!

I recall that last death, it was, by far, the worst.I recall sitting in the back of the funeral home, and praying god pls don't ever let me go through this.....and I watched his mother collapse in the prkg lot. I stood on the porch of the funeral home, and I swear that poor woman looked at me and I saw into her soul.  The depth of pain scared the living heck out of me.

I was terrified.  I still tremble when I speak of it.  But you know, this IS addiction.  It's ugly.  It hurts.  I vowed to myself if I ever did lose a child I didn't wanna be overcome like that.  I was truly afraid I'd die from the pain, the emotional pain. 

I guess what I am trying to say here is man I hate this disease.  I won't say I'm glad I'm an alkie. I am not glad. I feel for anyone who has suffered loss, whether in addiction or recovery and yes even those who don't suffer addiction.

But I do believe that there are more people who have hurt like I am. I just pray that we can share our experience, strength and hope.  I don't know how I'm getting by, other than the Grace Of God. 

I know people are compassionate here. They reach out and help each other here.  I know this topic is not an easy one, for anyone of us. Yet the truth still stands, our disease is charactarized by relapse. That is what the treatment facility taught me.  I believe that. We don't know if we opt to have the next drink, drug, you name it, if we will have another recovery in 'us'.  The disease became real serious for me, when I saw people dying. I look back now and think 'wow i did sweat the small stuff', but then my anthill was a mountain, ya know?

Today, I am thankful.  Thankful to be alive. Even if I'm in emotional pain, I'm thankful to be alive. 

Can you, will you, help me help you?  Can I see some esh?  How did you overcome, what worked for you?  Thank you, for your time, for helping me.  It is not easy to reach out like this. But hey, I've been through the worst of the worst, what have I got left to lose?

Today I looked up the word humble, it said:  Deeply or courteously respectful, not proud in spirit or behavior and lastly: Defeat and failure make people humble. 

Major hugs........