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Glenn H

Supreme MINION
Posts: 161

04/04/2007 4:22 PM	Alert
Today has been interesting. My thoughts have been centered around family. Not my new family in AA but my family of origin. In light of the news from my mom I have been thinking about this all day. I feel strange. I am not feeling sorry for myself mind you. All my life I felt an outcast in my own family. Having a working dad and mom and two sisters, I was the middle child. At a young age I found that even though it hurt to try and feel like a part of the family I tryed often and in the end found it more comfortable to seperate myself from them. As time passed and the family split I felt I had no place where I fit in at all. At home or away from home. My drinking aside I found this ditachment from family. Aunts and uncles cousins in grand parents. To be honest as I have spent some time in recovery I find it less and less important to feel as though I need to be a part of that family. That what they do and how they feel although is important it does not govern my life today. Since the age of 13 I have seen my mom a handful of times. I lived with my dad when they split and although I love my dad I do not like him very much. I love my sisters as well but it seems even in recovery that we are from differant planets. It is almost as though they have no idea who or what I am and can not understand me. I am as open and loving as God allows me to be yet I just do not fit in that family. Today I expected to feel some kind of remorse or regret, panic even over the news from my mom but I feel nothing. I am not sad or angry or anything. Somehow I have this feeling that everything is going to be just as it is and that I can do nothing about it but trust God. I have to go for now but will return to add more later... Namaste... Glenn H

Center your heart, and cultivate your spirit.

Glenn H

Supreme MINION
Posts: 161

04/04/2007 10:26 PM	Alert
Okay. I drove back into the city and had dinner with a friend. I like driving along the country roads when I am thinking about something. Just me and God. Powerlessness, Denial or acceptance? Do we deny our feelings and cover them up like days gone by and act as though things do not bother us? Do we just say we are powerless and use that as a reason to avoid accountability? Responsibilty? and there by justify taking no action? Do we deny those feelings to avoid pain and fear? Powerlessness; It's one thing to admit we are powerless but another to accept it, right? And, are we truly powerless? What if we have come to believe in a power greater than ourselves and have turned our will and our lives over to that power? Mine being the God of my understanding. Does He and hasn't He empowered me to do certain things like accept His will in my life? Has He not given me the power to choose how I am to feel about certain things and how I am going to respond to those events in my life that if not on spiritual ground would shake me to the core? To match "calamity with serenity" ? God granted me the serenity to accept those things which I can not change. I asked Him for that. He gave me the courage to change those things I can. I asked Him for that too. And the wisdom to know the differance. Thats coming. I offered myself to Him. to build with me and do with me as He wished. I held out my hands and asked Him to do this. To relieve me of the bondage of self. Losing that selfishness and self pity. To take away the difficulties that victory over them would bear witness. Bear witness to whom? To those I would help of thy power, thy love and thy way of life. Who's power? Who's love? and who's way of life? His... Through me. May I do thy will always. Who's will? His... The God of my understanding has empowered me to make the right choices in life and do the right things. I could sit here and cry about ill parents and stepparents and any other family member or... I can choose to celebrate their life and the passing of it. I choose the later. I may be powerless over who my blood relatives are and how they see the world. But I am not powerless over how I feel about them. I will love them anyway. I my God's world there are no outcasts and everybody fits. There is so much more I could write tonight on this but I will stop here. I love you all and there is absolutely nothing you can do about that. Namaste... Glenn H

Center your heart, and cultivate your spirit.

Melanie

Trusted Servant

PRINCESS
Posts: 20525

04/05/2007 10:17 AM	Alert
As I read this, a few thoughts came into my head. When something tragic, or sorrowful used to happen to me, it was ALL about me. MY loss, MY sorrow and of course a damn good excuse to drink. OHHH the drama in my family, especially at someone's house after a funeral. Good Lord, growing up in that atmosphere sucked. My dearest uncle passed away shortly after I sobered up. I was so grateful for the program, once again. Grieving in a proper way is much more comforting than wondering what the heck you did the night before. I often wonder if I am just covering up feelings, because I am calmer than I used to be and able to handle things without getting deeply distressed. ( not all things,,,,,, as some of you know) Some situations I just don't react to. So is this burying my feelings or learning to live trusting in God more? Am I walking around with my head in the clouds or are my feet just more firmly planted on the ground? I have blessed with a wonderful family( mom, dad and brother and of course my kids)My dad has been sober over 30 years now. I get a lot of support from my mom and dad. The rest of the family really means nothing to me except for a couple cousins and aunts. That almost bothered me at one point of my life. When someone said to me " you can pick your friends but you can't pick your relatives" I just thought,,,,,yup,, that's it. I love my friends and they are there cause of things in common, or we have fun together,support each other, bring meaning to my life, etc. Everyday I grow and learn new lessons. May I always be teachable.

" The only thing necessary for evil to triumph is for enough good men to do nothing."

Carol

Trusted Servant

Grand Master MINION
Posts: 1255

04/05/2007 10:43 AM	Alert
((((((Glenn))))) -- I could really relate to the things you said about not "fitting in" with your family. From the time I was a little kid, I never felt like I belonged with my family -- in fact, as a teenager, I even sent away for a copy of my birth certificate because I was convinced I was adopted! I grew up as an Army brat, I was an only child, my mother was alcoholic, and my father -- well, the best way to describe my father was Mr. Spock -- a handshake and a check on my birthday was the height of emotion for him. Since my father was usually traveling (either while in the Army or for business after he retired), I was the recipient of my mother's alcoholic frustrations. As a teenager, I became rebellious (come to think of it, I don't think I ever had an inner child -- it was always an inner rebellious teenager) -- ran away from home to escape my mother's alcoholic rantings, quit school, and did a number of other things I'm not terribly proud of. Fast forward to adulthood -- I blamed a lot of my drinking on my parents -- they didn't love me (at least not the way I wanted them to), they continued to put me down for the things I believed in, and no matter how hard I tried, I was never good enough to receive their approval. In 2001, my parents moved to Miami to be closer to me -- their health was not very good, and they wanted me to help take care of them. I drank my way through my father's death in 2003, but I was sober when my mother died 6 months later. With the help of a very understanding sponsor, I learned that my parents did actually love me the only way they knew how. I learned to forgive them as well as myself, and I learned that I AM a good, loving, worthwhile human being. Today, I find that I miss my parents sometimes, although I'm sure my practice of the Steps would get a major test if they were still around. While I don't have a lot of warm, fuzzy memories of growing up with them, I do have the memories of the brief moments when we were a true family. You are not alone. Hugs, Carol

Be the change you wish to see in the world ...Gandhi

Glenn H

Supreme MINION
Posts: 161

04/05/2007 9:58 PM	Alert
Thank you both so very much for your replies. It isn't about me and my feelings but about my faith today. Like them or not they are my family and I love them. My mom has cancer and CHF and is diebetic. My step mom has had diebeites all her life and has a heart of gold. Her kidneys have failed and she has lost her eyesight in one eye and almost in the other too. I am an alcoholic who through God's grace and this awesome program of Alcoholics Anonymous now knows that God is there for them as well as me and everyone else. I have often said and believe that God does not do this to people but is only there for them and their families. To wrap them in His loving embrace. I have said this and am now living it. Another opportunity to learn more about me and about humility. I am just fine with God's will. Thanks again... Namaste....

Center your heart, and cultivate your spirit.

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