I will tell you right now that I am an introvert who loves to read, loves puzzles, enjoys listening, and is a poster child for ADHD. In learning more about myself in recovery, I have discovered that my ideas and perceptions of boundaries and barriers are bizarre, to say the least. Confused and discombobulated is my natural state, and I seek to learn and gain insight through whoever and whatever resource is available. I am guilty of using my intellect as a shield, barricading myself from the rest of society while losing myself in abstract theories, random loose ends, possibilities, questions and answers. 

What has always been habit to me appears now to be a detriment in getting to know fellow addicts and alcoholics, and I seek to learn from them, as they have something to offer me, and I to them. In order for this to be done, I need to soak up information and knowledge as I always have, but I also must give back, because that is the only way I can keep what I have. I have learned from my sponsor that recovery consists of three major parts, and that being of service to others and to a God of our understanding is one of those main ideas. If we lack or are neglectful of this, we may be well on our way to drinking and/or using again. This would be highly counterproductive. Also counterproductive is me putting up the barrier of intellect and averting my eyes when it is of greater more importance for me to pay attention, listen to others, and learn from them. Just the simple act of listening and understanding is being of service to others and to God, and I am grateful that someone I greatly respect and admire pointed it out to me that I have not been fully present during treatment and meetings. This someone also has explained to me that others might see that I am doing another activity while they are speaking, and that they may interpret that as them being not important to me.

It was also brought to my attention that others may see me as thinking that I am superior to them, thus I do not need to listen or pay attention to them. While this is wrong on so many levels, I can understand why anyone may misinterpret my actions or words, and throughout my life it has been brought to my attention that I give the impression of being cold, distant and as if I think myself supreme to other people. I am no better and no worse than anyone else, and it saddens me greatly that anyone might think that after interacting with me. To those who have the idea that I might see myself as too good for them, or superior to them, I am owing of a sincere apology. Though I cannot take responsibility for another person's feelings, I can atone for actions and behavior that seemed cold, uninterested and aloof. 

I do not make friends just to have companionship. When I become friends with someone, they have a special place in my heart and in my life, and this is where I hold them. I make friends for life, and those I have met who are in the program, I plan on getting to know and maintaining a relationship wth them for years to come. The people I have met during alcohol and drug treatment and the people I have met in meetings are irreplaceable, and I cherish and treasure their friendship. I think very highly of these people, as they have gone through many of the same experiences I have, and come out stronger and wiser. Words cannot express the camaraderie and kinship I feel when I am in the presence of the addicts and alcoholics that I have gotten to know, and still have yet to make acquaintance with.

In this program, I have heard the phrase 'living amends' spoken over and over. This implies a change in behavior for the better, and bringing ourselves redemption for aberrant behavior in the past by showing those we have hurt that we are taking our mistakes and our recovery seriously. This is why I am taking another barrier down, one that I have put up to prevent others from getting too close to me, and thus preventing me from being of maximum service to others and to the God of my understanding.