My sponsor has given me the assignment of at least four meetings a week, upon commencement of working with her. Under her guidance, we are reading through the book, and I am changing certain things about my life, myself, and my way of thinking. She encouraged me to go through mental health counseling, and during this appointment, I was asked by the counsellor if I have ever felt 'safe, calm and secure.' I paused, thinking, and responded that no, I have never felt that way. I could not and can not figure out if it is because I've never felt unsafe, though I know at times I have felt very unsafe, or if it is because I've never felt safe, and thus have nothing to compare it to.

I can compare this to the human need for a sense of belonging; I've never overtly felt this need. Hunger, thirst, desire for shelter, I know well, as well as the phiening ache of junkie velocity. I know the deep, visceral pain that comes during withdrawals, the desperate need to have just a little more, just a little taste. I also know what it feels like to suffocate, gasping for air, urgent oxygen hunger, feeling limbs turn blue and a sinking sensation as black overtakes all. But I honestly can say that I have never craved human interaction, nor have I felt the necessity to belong to humanity, or any groups of humans. I have been a naturally solitary person, an introvert, one who prefers the company of books and silence. This has obviously contributed to my problems with addiction.

In researching the concept of needing safety, security and belonging, I have found that it is characteristic of those suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) to lack this basic human need. Further investigation may yeild a discovery that it is also indicative in those with a dissociative disorder, and this is what I was diagnosed with. My diagnoses include addiction, alcoholism, and a dissociative disorder not otherwise specified; a nice way of saying that I am afflicted with dissociation, but that no one knows entirely what is wrong with me. I know what is wrong with me: I am an addict with a very illusory mind. This means that I trick even myself, and that my becoming well is entirely dependent upon me being honest, open and willing to learn a new way of thinking and a new way of being.

I have discovered naught of how I will respond to my counselor's question, but I have learned that I need to explore this in depth. I have discovered that I am in the right place, that I must continue to reach out to other recovering addicts and alcoholics, as this means the difference between life and death for me. Though I have not felt the desperate need for their attention and approval, I now find that their open minds, arms and hearts means more to me than anything I could ever read or research. I look forward to the day when I may reciprocate this to a newly sober member.