There was a time in my life that I sought power, as I thought power was the meaning of life. Some of those close to me called me a 'megalomaniac,' probably only half-joking. Indeed, the positions I have held in my chosen profession have been positions of power and influence within the corporate infrastructure. I believe pride to be the reason for my fall from grace, and I also am a total control freak. I thought for a long time that God and religion were fallacies of logic, and that the only thing I could believe in was myself. I was the ultimate authority, and for the majority of my life, no one ever questioned me or second guessed me. I was also very well respected, a resource for staff, coworkers, the public and even friends and family, and whatever I said was the last word. I was so successful at hiding my raging drug problem that I was never suspected, not even when I was slurring my words and falling asleep during my shifts, or when my pupils were at either end of the dilation spectrum. I gave a million excuses and could justify anything. An expert on living a double life I was.

So, being the ultimate authority that no one ever called bullshit on, I was blindsided when I went through treatment and began recovery. I had never experienced consequences before, and was used to living according to my will. Hearing everyone at meetings talk about turning their lives and will over to the care of a God that I thought had forsaken me only angered me, my pride and arrogance pushing away any honesty, openmindedness or willingness. How was I supposed to turn my will and life over to this God? It took over three years for me to begin to understand what that meant, how to accomplish this, and what amazing power that it brings. I say that it took me a long time to understand the concepts, that I comprehended them intellectually, but felt them not in my heart and soul, and that is the difference. I say great power comes in the act of letting go, because I have had the most difficult time trying to find a way around giving myself to God, and in the realization that there is no way around this, I have woken up in many ways.

Surrender has never been a concept that I could identify with, as I do not know how not to fight. I have only known how to fight, how to escape, any other way than to surrender. Now I surrender, and I give myself up to the One that has all power. This is a new experience for me, but the journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step.