"The only alternatives to recovery are jails, institutions, dereliction and death."

I thought I was safe, not as bad off as other drunks and junkies. I haven't been to jail or prison, nor on a psych ward (as a patient), and when I was on the streets, someone was always willing to let me couch surf or stay, for a nominal fee. Then it hit me smack in the forehead when I read the above sentence.

How many times had I been taken to the hospital in renal failure secondary to sepsis, rhabdomyelysis? How many times have I had to have an abscess incised and drained, going on a course of antibiotics due to infections that resulted from my shooting a needle into various body parts? How many times have I had to go to the Emergency Room for respiratory failure that was caused by inhaling or smoking illicit substances, and how many of those times have I had to take courses of steroids and/or had to be intubated with a tube down my throat to help me breathe? How many sinus infections have I had that were the direct result of my snorting of various chemicals, or are now the result of the damage I have done to my sinuses, the almost non-existent nasal septum, the destruction of the palate, the erosion of connective tissue? Really? Hospitals are institutions. How deep does your denial run? And now, after I have already completed over a year of treatment over three years ago, I am back in IOP, ready for another round in the institution of treatment. Only after I read this sentence and took an honest appraisal did I realize that, dear God, I am right where I need to be right now.

A friend of mine pointed out to me that God will periodically reach His hand into our lives and shake everything up. He does this so we can put the pieces back where they are supposed to go. I'm calling this the 7 year itch, because it was right around 7 years ago that I went to hell with cocaine and heroin, falling deeper than I ever had, before I started to pick up the pieces of my life, and it was 7 years before then that I had fallen the first time, and 7 years before that is when my memories begin. The past six years or so have been a half-assed attempt to patch everything up, but without the program, the result was nil. Now, I am getting a second chance, and I am not going to waste this chance. I need to save my life and my soul. I am exactly where I need to be.