hey all...

Tonight i'm having a tough time, just as i do many other nights. My first few months in sobriety i was going to a lot of meetings, had made friends, and was calling people and going places with people. I was also jobless then. After my first 3 months, i got a job and had to take second shift because i'm on suboxone, and i have to go see a doctor and go to a group therapy session once or twice a week in the morning. All the meetings i was going to were on weeknights, and once i started my job i could no longer attend them, and eventually i lost contact with the new sober friends i had made... just as i had started to get involved, and as i was about to ask someone to sponsor me. I found weekend morning meetings i can attend, but that seems to be all i can make it to for now...and thats only 2 meetings a week. people at these meetings are friendly, but i haven't developed any friendships yet, and now i've been sober for a year and a half. i still don't have a sponsor, and i'm afraid to share at the meetings.

i've always had stage fright, ever since i was little. i know it's my disease, telling me not to speak because i might say something stupid and embarrass myself. everytime i go to talk in front of a group of people, even if they're all addicts like me, my heart starts pounding and i get very nervous and anxious and my face turns red and my voice gets shakey, so i never speak if i don't have to. it's hard to find a sponsor, the 2 meetings i attend have limited women and most of them were alcoholics and not drug addicts. i need a sponsor who is going to understand me, and i was never an alcoholic, just a drug addict.

anyways, what i'm getting at is that i'm falling apart on the inside. i don't have friends...i just work, clean, cook, shop, sleep, and hang out with my boyfriend and we are having some issues right now. i'm afraid to find new friends, i'm afraid to get a sponsor, and i'm really really afraid to share my secrets, and my secrets are keeping me very very sick. i have done some really messed up things, and i live with this guilt everyday and i can't imagine ever telling anyone about them, especially when i can't even seem to make friends. i'm getting off of my "crutch" suboxone very soon now, and i am so scared, but i can't afford to stay on it any longer. i am scared to relapse, but i believe being scared to get involved is going to be the cause of my relapse if i don't do something soon. i have a lot of anxiety and stress and i'm very self conscious, and i'm afraid when i get off of suboxone those character defects will worsen and drive me to use.

i've been looking for more face-to-face meetings around here, but none seem to fit my schedule. i pray everyday to my higher power, and i have developed a good relationship with him, who i choose to call god. i practice step one and two everyday in life, but i have never sat down and done the steps with a sponsor. i pray that god will help give me motivation to get involved and become more easy going and open, and i'm just hoping that maybe by making friends here, i can get encouragement to go out into the real world and dive head first into my recovery, because i've just been cruising along not doing the work, and i've been paying the price emotionally and physically. well, i guess i'll just keep praying and attending the meetings i can.

peace out