The whole topic of suicide is one I take very serious.

I too lost one of my early sponsees to suicide. I had about 18 months at the time, thought I knew everything and was trying to sober up the world. That was one of my wake up calls.

He had called me a few hours before hanging himself and talked in general terms about just wanting to give it all up. For the most part it sounded like he was talking about going back out and drinking and using again and never mentioned suicide.

I told him to "hang in there no matter what happened" and that he and I could get together and talk the next day after I dropped my kids off with my x and that if he needed he could call me back anytime.

Some of last words I remember saying to him were "There's nothing out there worth drinking, drugging or dieing over." He replied that he wasn't so sure about that.

Sometime latter that night he hung himself.

I learned latter that after talking to me he called another AA and told him that he did not want to call me back and bother me because I had my kids for the weekend.

The guy he talked with got on his case about feeling sorry for himself and wallowing in self pity. When I found out about it I wanted to kick the other AA in the ass. A few years latter that guy relapsed and booze did the job better than I could.

I blamed myself for years about being responsible for his suicide, also for the suicide of my brother and one other friend in recovery. Since then I’ve come to understand that I do not have that much power over people, places and things.

I have also been to that edge a few times; evidentially it runs in the family. Here is a part of what I've learned since:

None of us can prevent someone for committing suicide unless that person really wants the help.

None of us can truly see into another person's heart and mind unless they open up to us.

Even if they do we are not doctors, psychs or professionals (well most of us are not) and one of the best things we can do for someone who is suffering with depression is to get them to professional help.

Even with professional help there are many who do not get better.

I cringe every time I hear someone playing AA doctor - saying how the doctors, psychologists and counselors out there are nothing but quacks, how if you're taking medications you are not really sober and the rest of that B.S.

Part of the struggle I went through in dealing with my own depression and PTSD was the whole business of if I take meds have I lost my sobriety? (The answer is that as long as I am being honest with the doc and doing what he prescribes I am being very sober)

Why can't I just fix it with the steps? (The steps are there to heal the heart, mind and soul but if you have a medical aliment you still need a MD. Also for me most of my counseling has been an extension of the steps)

And plain old fear of opening my mouth over it in AA because I did not want someone telling me I was not working a program... yadda... yadda...

Eventually I did wind up in a lockdown ward at the VA (voluntarily) because I was losing my ability to deal with it and doing harm to others or even killing myself was a strong possibility.

I did go on meds, I did go through a lot of counseling, I did a whole lot of new work using the steps and beefing up my program of recovery.

For the record...

I have been off all psych meds now for 2.5 years now.

I still do have my rough times; especially when there are certain "triggers" (I know how some of you guys hate that word) are tripped...

Winter, cold, hunger, frustration, certain anniversaries (such as my brother's suicide, Apr. 15), things that force me to deal with my father… bring up that mental state for me.

During those times I do the things I have found that help me through. That includes doing more writing and talking, nurturing myself a bit more, working my steps more seriously, praying more (even when I feel like I'm praying to the ceiling) and letting those near me know how I am doing without wallowing in it, pushing myself a little without being hard on myself and taking time to find things that are worth holding onto.

Right now the winter winds are howling outside my window and I have been feeling the bite of artic cold (I can not wait to get this house sold and move to Texas!). I can feel that extra weight pulling on me from inside. That desire to lie down, give up and not get back up tugs at me. That irritation that will lead me to blowing up and lashing out at everything around me gnaws at me. That sapping sense of hopelessness/powerlessness that makes me want to abandon everything I know and will eventually leads me to thinking about drinking, drugging and/or suicide creeps in every time I get that to the bone chill.

That, for me, today is the face of my disease.

To deal with it, I keep mindful of the fact that this is but a moment in my life, that this too will pass (if I let it), that if I allow myself to be sucked into it I will lose, if I fight it I will exhaust  myself and eventually lose. But if I accept the things I can not change, Change the things I can, Trust (Come to Believe in) those powers greater than I and pray and trust in the God of my Misunderstanding I know I will come through this, stronger, wiser and sober.